Be Spank-ed

2009-10-28T05:08:00.002+08:00

O hisashiburi !

do genki ??

First day of work turned out to be easy. I was expecting it to be hard actually lol . Anyway, my first impression of my fellow colleagues was that they were rather friendly. But they're not that keen to teach me stuffs and explain to me how things work and refused to give me much product knowledge. I don't know but thats how i thought.. But why, i can't help wondering.

Anyway, since they don't really wanna teach me more, i'll just try to keep track of the things they do and memorize it. Save them the saliva and energy of teaching me huh .. :X

I do not have many strong points. But i'm a fast learner... And i tend to be able to absord stuffs pretty fast too.

It's 5am now, but i still wanna play a round of dota before i go to bed. Have to wake up 9am later on. Hopefully i'll not be late. XD

Tomorrow's gonna be a learning day for me again XD hahaha.. Janice's having her off day tomorrow. Who will be replacing her? Who will i meet?? Can't wait for tomorrow XD

Sa.. oyasumi . :D

Why oh Why.

2009-10-26T03:30:00.002+08:00

It's been ages since i've last wrote in here. Wow, been like months and months isn't it. So sorry bloggie. I was really lazy and lazy and lazy to write.. or rather to relate my feelings to you. I guess it's time for me be back on the track again.

Tomorrow's my first day working in the new company and though i hate to admit, but i'm really anxious about it. Been ages since i've last worked in retail line. But i guess i'll be able to cope. Much has happened lately and i am really lazy to even roughly type what i've been through. Quitted my previous job at Azure and i must admit i kind of regret it but still i have to go on isn't it. Besides, though its a pretty relaxing job but still the pay kinda sucks and it's hard for me to support family and myself with that little amount of money.

Retail sales line.. hmm.. i wonder how will this job work out for me. I'll try my best to learn and to adapt myself to the working enviroment. Hopefully by keeping a low profile will probably do me good. Just have to endure for a few more months before i finally achieve my own goals.

I'm feeling soooo sick lately. Just recovered from fever and flu and right now i'm actually having sore eyes. Really wtf. I hate it.. and i've gotta work tomorrow plus it's my first day of work. DAMN.

I need to wake up early and prepare and head to central to find a pair of contact lenses for myself. Threw old ones away because it's probably the reason why i'm having irritated and sore eyes right now. And i really hate spectacles. So uh huh.

I guess thats all for now. I'll write in you again tomorrow .. Hopefully.. no promises tho.

And btw, it's time for me to get a cell ? No idea... will consider tho. Guess living without a cell it's a NO NO afterall.

Ja.. Oyasumi. Mata atode ne.

Failure

2009-07-26T22:22:00.003+08:00

It's been a long while bloggie ever since i last wrote in you. First of all i have to say that i'm sorry for not forking out time to actually confide in you. Once again it's games fault. Been obsessed with World Of Warcraft and now it's Dragonica. It's not that i've quitted WoW, just taking a break from it. I did log in once in awhile to do some random quests and then its back to Dragonica again lol.

Whew, It's gonna be my birthday soon and sadly, there's no plans for that particular day. I'm even wondering whether should i request for my off day or just work the day off just like that. It really makes no difference anyway. Infact i felt that it's just another normal day. Nothing special..

And about the goal that i've promised myself to achieve by the end of this year, i can't help but think that it's not gonna happen anymore. At least not by the end of this year. It's gonna have to be postponed and i'm really disgusted with myself. Such low determination i have really.. When i've almost set down my heart to fulfill my goals, stupid stuffs have to happen.

Recently, various mails from the Housing Board Estate really saddens me alot. I really have no idea what the hell is my dad doing. Hasn't he been paying the taxes and such? I thought he did, untill 3 days ago a member from the HDB council actually drop by our house and handed us a red letter. It's really a very scary letter, a letter that could land my whole family to have nowhere to live and may have to sleep on the streets. I couldn't think of anything at that point of time so i decided to pluck up my courage and called my dad and told him how serious this case is. And the reply i got was just like always. "Ok ok la i know la i'm busy now" Damn... I really wonder what are we exactly worth to him. If he just paid that 200 bucks per month punctually none of this could have happen. And now i'm racking my brain to find ways to put together that huge sum of money to pay off the debt so as to keep our flat safe. Arghh !! -pulls hair- SHITTTTTT!!!!! DDDDDDDDD:

Alright, I'm typing this while in the middle of work and well, u could say i was bored and i didn't really wanna play anymore games for today. Just taking a break i suppose.

Anyway, Sighh.. My goals.. they seemed to be drafting further away from me.. How sad that is.

Done for today

2009-05-29T20:59:00.002+08:00

I can't really describe my feelings right now. I'm feeling lethargic, feeling restless, aches all over my body .. arghh .. -faints- and im in the middle of my work right now. Luk taught me various ways to fix those errors with the computers and can u believe it i fixed like over 5 today and its especially tedious when u don't have that long hands and the heat adds up to my paitence causing me to sweat alot and u know i really hate sweating. Especially with my long mane of hair. -frowns-

Nothing much happened for the past few days. It was all dota and well, one of the dota pals went back to china for vacation and well, he'll be back in like about a month i think. Take care QY. Hmm.. there's another one who will be flying back to china too.. But he's leaving for long tho.. Like half a year and well, wish him good luck then. -waves-

Yesterday was my off day and well i didn't go anywhere. Woke up in late afternoon, took a bath and went over to my work place to mingle abit with my boss and he's girlfriend and some customers there. Of course i had my dinner there too and vivian paid for it and i really felt bad.. so i offered to buy luk and her some drinks from cold storage and she said "ok letss go together" .. -faints- i wanted to treat her but ended up paying for my own bottle of drink instead. She doesn't want me to pay T.T.. sob sob

Played a few matches of dota and headed back home.. I thought i will fall asleep immediately after i took my usual bath but instead i found myself sitting infront of the computer watching videos till like 7am.. LOL -wonders what the fuck am i thinking- ..

And its 9pm now.. and there's still quite alot of customers left in the shop. Good tho, at least it wasn't that quiet anymore since june holidays is around the corner. But my arms ache badly after fixing so many computers. @_@ i think i sprained my thumb too D: -cries-

Oh fuck it. Right now i'm just simply waiting for time to pass while watching some random videos from the net and speaking to really weird ppl thru chatango chats from the anime site. Haha its kinda lame but i must say it really helps to kill time.. especially when your like sooooo bored..

ok i'll get back to my video.. oh.. i really .. really need to save hard.. No time no time~~ -whines-

Oops! as usual heres my to do list for next week's off day:

1)Sleep alot

2)Bills (._. i hate it to give my money away but i have no choice. I wonder if i can talk to luk about not CPF instead. hmm)

3)A new pair of earphones! (I'm a rough person soo i kinda torture my earphones and now only one side of them is working DDD:

4)-havent thought of it- {reserved}

5)-Havent thought of it- {reserved}

-screams- Finally i'm doneee woooo (i'm a lil crazy now due to lack of sleep LMAO)

ciaoz ;D

If Dreams and chances don't come ur way,

you simply make them.

If things went wrong unlike what u've expected,

just quietly cry yourself to sleep and tomorrow will be a beautiful day again.

If someone left you heartbroken,

Tell yourself that it's better to have loved than not being loved at all.

If theres a time when u needed help but no one's there for you,

simply stand infront of the mirror and self pat yourself,

For its whats in you, that draws ppl closer to you.

(random quote from me again..arghh i cant think DD:)

Engulfed in Laziness

2009-05-19T03:19:00.002+08:00

Wahahaha -pats bloggie- Yo! :X

Its been a while isn't it bloggie.. -nods hard- yep yep !

Man.. i've been really really x1000 lazy to update lately. Maybe it's because of the tight schedules that i've been appointed with 2 weeks before. I didn't get to have my off day as usual for that week because boss had something on but it's ok. I had fun actually playing dota with a few of the regulars in the shop. So i'm kinda in a dota frenzy again lol.. :D

Arghh there's so much stuffs thats been laid out for me to do and i've still havent done a single thing yet. I'm so bloody lazy really .. Tired out .. It won't be surprising if i collapse all of a sudden tomorrow haa haa.! :X

Theres really nothing to update about for the past few days and weeks .. because well, for my last off day i spent the entire day sleeping at home.. haa haa.. i'm so good in sleeping.. Its like one of my best talents alright? :X -winks- i slept for almost 23hrs straight.. and i meant straight.. without getting up to relieve my bladder and get myself some food. am i abnormal? HOHO .. and when i woke up .. i was like @_@ ahhh 4am in the morning?? went to the loo and plomp back to bed HOHO..! :DDD

I'm one hell of a lazy girl for these few weeks .. I was even lazy to make changes to my various teams even though the new season already started and i didn't even bother to make changes to my teams. ._. .. i'm so hopelesss.. hahaahahaha = ="

And to be frank, actually i didn't intend to update in you today bloggie as in right now.. Because i was reading one of the mangas half way and then the bloody site loses signal so i have to wait.. and i don't really wanna stop in the middle of the exciting part that i was reading thats why i'm here typing all this blabberings in you just to kill time.. AM I EVIL OR WHAT .. ';..;'

Anyway, alright.. this week i have two off days and i hope i'll be able to make use of the coming two days efficiently. Thursday's gonna be celebration for Leen's {Darling's} birthday with chibi and the other audi freaks and as for saturday.. i'm not sure.. probably end up sleeping for the entire day again but oh well.. its not that bad actually.. i can save more money like that haa haa -twinkles- .

Ok so for the list of things that i'm gonna do for this week will be..

1. Touch up the color of my hair (its troublesome because my grey hair is growing out though i'm only 22. but whats the big deal here? I'm only having them much earlier then regular people. :DD you'll have them too.. its just that i got them earlier ._.)

2. Facial Spa {my skin condition is like.. arghh right now.. because i stayed up late and well .. of course its for dota and manga reading.. and heavy smoking!! i said i'll quit it ..not for the sake of others now tho.. but still .. omfg my determination is one hella small!! DDD:}

3. Bare minerals products. { i have to go all the way to takashimaya to search for this range of products and well to compare prices too.. @@ lazyyyy}

4. Uggs Uggs Uggs.. {god i love those ugly shoes !!! thats what they're called tho.. lol.. they're actually sheepskin boots that ppl wear them in winter so that they're feet will stay warm but who cares.. im gonna wear them in singapore .. and i can bring them to seoul too when i'm over there at the start of 2010! nice number!:D}

5. Toiletries.. {Shower foam, shampoo and conditioner .. EMERGENCY! Running out soon!!!..}

6. Get More sleep !!!! {im looking more like a panda as days goes by.. DDD: help!!-whelps-

So i guess thats all.. -whines- thats alot.. and .. lemme complain once more..

I"M LAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY x1000000000000000000 DDDD:

Night bloggie -returns to reading manga- :P

Tick Tock Tick Tock,

The little clock hanging on the wall seems to talk.

I looked at it and it seemed to smile,

making my mind running wild.

With its pointy hands it seems to poke at me.

Oh stop it! i'm getting dreamy.

How could a clock talk and smile and move.

I'm definately going over my own roof!

Help i shout..

and i heard replies coming~

I sat up straight hoping to see who's there for me.

But as i look closer..

I smile at the sight of the person standing infront me..

For its no one..

But echoes of my voices and reflection of me.

[random poem from me :D]

Gosh @_@

2009-04-30T21:25:00.003+08:00

Woot! -pats bloggie- sry been reallly lazy to update blog really. :X Got tons of stuff to work and think about. And its really stressing me off so much that i ended up with a sore eye now. And its sucky that u have to stay at home during your off day because of your swollen eye. ): Anyway, i guess no girls would ever step out of their house with the size of their eyes uneven right ? LOL

Anyways, last thursday was a fun one. Tho darling leen was late for almost like 2 hours because she over slept in the bus, but we still managed to met up eventually and have desserts at the famous dessert store somewhere in bugis. Hmm.. Chibi ordered manga sago, Darling leen ordered mango sago with pamelo and as for me, it's watermelon & honeydew sago! :D super yummy alright? :D Darling leen packed another mango sago with pamelo for her friend who is working right across the street and i went with her to pass the dessert to her bestie "xiu juan". She's a very nice girl really. :D

Oh i forgot to mention that before we met up with leen, chibi and me was actually walking around the whole bugis junction to kill time. You can actually call it window shopping. The stuffs there are all like so expensive ok. Definately not a place for us with low income to hang around. Just seeing the price tags on the various things can hurt. =\ Then there was this guy who dragged us to do some weird survey on obsesity. And when he approached us, the first thing he asked was "Hey are you girls locals?" .. Chibi and me looked at each other and was like .." ._. we don't look locals meh ? Don't tell me we looked alien?" LMAO. Of course we told him that we're locals and chibi added that i'm actually half breed. Ok .. ._. whatever. The building he led us to was named "Heritage place" and the first impression of the building to me was " Ok..It's uluu." lol ... We did the survey and left in a hurry to grab a bite, again i emphasize to Chibi that no fast food is allowed. I'm really sick of fast food and besides its not healthy. =X -finding excuses- .. We walked across bugis street to bencoolen street and settled for poultry food instead. (Roasted duck & cha siew rice with dumpling soup and vegetables.) Wee.. $15 bucks for two person.. i guess it's value for money. Besides it's nice so i don't mind forking out that sum of money.

Hmm.. and then right after the desserts we send chibi off at the mrt station and went back to hang around at darling leen's bestie working place. "Lai Lai Beef Noodles" hmm.. They ordered a couple of dishes and i ordered a thick toast with honey and cornflakes. Wooo really delicous though it's a little thick =X.. Then we hang around till like 11.20 then i went home XD.

Alright. That's last thursday. Hmm.. and then it's all work work work and rappelz rappelz audi blah blah. Finally i'm at 60 in rappelz ! A Shadow Hunter! Woot I'm so happy LOL. But it's really hard to use and there's like so many skills to press and i just lost my first duel in rappelz yesterday against a bishop that's like 3 levels lower than me? I can't understand.. perhaps i was too nervous or what, i was basically just running around while he's like taking advantage of my silliness and attacking me non stop. Bla .. i lost D: but it's ok i will brush up and kill him the next time Wahahah =X.

HDB is here to bugg me again and i really cant think of anything to help the household anymore. I've given what i ought to give and yet it's still not enough. Right now it's up to my uncle and aunt to help and if they don't want to, i believe my granny, brothers and me will be living in the open streets in another month's time. This really sucks.. I'm trying hard to save up for the trip to seoul at the end of this year and yet all these things have to happen again. Blah.. I really don't wanna post pone my goals anymore. It's enough and besides i don't have the time to wait anymore.

It's my off day today and u must be surprised that i'm actually writing in you at this time. Normally i'll be out right? Haha .. Yep i'm suffering from a swollen red eye now and trust me it's really nasty. D: .. who would go out at night wearing shades huh ? So i rather stay at home really. Listening to songs and surfing random sites, watching videos.. yep that's what i normally do whenever i'm at home. Helping out with household chores since my granny's leg is not getting any better.. everything is $ $ you know.. Without $ is really Y*(@#()*$ .. but sigh.. I admit defeat and i guess i'll just have to live with it.

Alright.. enough of all this shit.. I'm sick of typing unhappy stuffs.. ._. i'm so dead tired really.. Really tired.. But it's always like this isn't it.. My life was turned up side down ever since my mom left me and viruses which ruthlessly invaded my body. Sigh x1000 .. whatever.

Signing off for now. Good night bloggie -pats- Hope tomorrow's gonna be a better day. At least spare me from those stupid nasty abrupt pains. Love ya bloggie. ^o^

Leaves falling, flowers withering,Sun rises and sets.
All these are evidence that nothing lasts forever.
evidence that shows that time don't wait, dont stop.. for no one, for nothing.
pondering at stupid thoughts won't help, u'll only waste the precious time thats slowly ticking away within your soul.
since time it self won't wait and nothing last forever,
The wisest thing to do would be to reach out for goals and create memories out of them.
so that when ur clock within you finally stopped ticking,
You'll have sufficent memories for you to understand that you haven't waste your life away at all.
Memories are stepping stones in your lives, and of course mine too.
They come in different shapes, sizes and colours.
Some might be colorful and big, some might be dull and tiny..
But at least be glad that at least you've got something to stepped on..
and if you one day lose your balance and fall off..
At least those stones are still there, beckoning you to try harder .. to step forward,
to climb higher..
They'll never choose to forsake you, unless it's you who chose to abandon and walk away from them.

[Blog quote]~J

Tired like hell @_@

2009-04-19T09:17:00.002+08:00

*pokes bloggie* Yo!

Can u believe it? I've stayed awake for 20 hours now.. and the reason is fairly simple. I'm actually still working right now. Yup! From yesterday 2.30pm till like now.. @_@.. Well, the guy which was suppose to take over my shift yesterday actually forgot that he had to work yesterday so well uh, i was asked to take over he's shift and here i am! :D

I'm soooo bloody blood x100000 tired. Really .. + hungry too. It would be a lie if i said i haven't eaten a single thing since yesterday. The storage of food that i used to store saved me from starving to death yesterday. I survived on tidbits! Woohoo.. li hai or what? LOL .. :P

Ok.. i can't think of anything more to type. I'm yearning to go home, wash up and boom! lie on my fluffy bed and sleep like a pig for the rest of today. YEA!!! -dreams some more- ... My boss will be arriving an hour later hopefully.. worst comes to worst maybe 2.. I don't know.. @_@ i'm not sure whether i'm fine alone on my way home later after work.. But i guess i won't faint.. I'll pack something home.. and most likely end up not having the food and fall asleep instead. Maa .. i guess it's ok.. My granny will finish the food so yay i'm not wasting!! .. Sunday oFF ! how nice. .but there's sacrifices of course.. One whole night without sleep.. thats what i sacrificed for a sunday off. But i guess it's almost the same, cause i will be spending the entire sunday sleeping at home anyway .. ^^

-pats bloggie- imma go now.. :D .. i dunno what to write anymore.. LOL =x ..see ya again bloggie.. and once again.. let me complain for a little bit more..

I"M HELLA TIRED DDDDDDDDDD:

twinkle twinkle little star.

how i wonder what you are.

Upabove the world so high

Like a diamond in the sky.

Twinkle twinkle little star,

how i wonder what you are.

mind completely blank,

can't think of anything that rhymes,

thus this song is written.

stars are such beautiful exisiting things.

Don't you agree with me? :D

They beautifies the sky during the night,

and they guide those that are lost in the middle of the night.

Tired ._.

2009-04-17T04:14:00.004+08:00

Oooo.. Just came out from a refreshing bath after staying out for 12 whole hours. O= amazing/siao/hiao or what?! lol... =x

Anyways, Woke up at 10am spent the whole morning cleaning the house and my room, then went off to pay household bills with my younger brother. The queue was very very long ok. And i thought there will be less people queuing at 11am+ in the morning but i was so wrong. ._. Went back home to bathe and prepare for the outing again! wee last week was a day out with Leen,Chibi and Celsius. Leen and i agreed to meet again today but i think something cropped up at the very last minute and sadly, she wasn't able to turn up. And i was damn worried about her ok. Called her numerous times using the payphone but she didn't pick up. Came to Orchard mrt station and ades was aready waiting there. Poor him lor. I haven't met him for so long and he grew that much!! I remember the last time i saw him was probably like 2 yrs ago and he's still a young boy back then. Time really flies i guess and now he looks like some korean hunk LOL. But he's going to be serving he's national service in july which is pretty soon and thats one of the main reasons to why he's meeting us today. We sat down at a bench near the station's exit and talked about stuffs in the past and frankly speaking, it wasn't even hard for us to communicate. We even discussed about passer bys outfits as they walked past us and u know what? Many people staring at my outfit. What? It's wrong or illegal to wear scarfs and boots in singapore or what. I mean that's my fashion sense ma LOL .. After about 30 minutes later chibi came and we sat down and talk some more. I was rather worried at first that things will get awkward and ades won't speak as much now that chibi has arrived. But i guess i got all worried for nothing because they clicked really well. *twinkles* perhaps i should do some matchmaking thing soon. Hoho! Ades and Chibi =X -kidding- We waited paitently for leen while talking and because my stomach kept "singing" i finally said that we'll wait another 15 minutes and if she's still not here i guess we'll go grab something to stuff our stomachs first and they were like " waa finally.." LOL ... And yes ..It's like 5.30 when we left the station and we tried waiting for leen for almost an hour and a half hoping that she'll be coming. As soon as we left the station, ades's phone rang and it was a sms from leen saying that she had a last minute thing on and she was sorry she wasn't able to make it. Silly darling(Leen) .. so long as your ok.. It's fine if you can't turn up. We can always meet again next thursday =D.

And then we went out and i can't believe chibi got lost in tang's after going to the loo. She couldn't find the exit. Perhaps she inherited the sotong-ish thing from me. LOL.. but anyways both ades and me got her back and we headed to far east plaza for food. And it's huge .. that F.E plaza.. Both chibi and me nearly got lost, but then ades was there to guide us.. So the two sotongs were being leaded by another sotong? LOL @_@ .. We decided on famous chicken rice and it was soooo good. Probably because i' m starving. BUT it's still GOOD!..-emphasize- LOL . We finished our meals and went searching for drinks in provision shops and got us drinks to quench our thirst. At this time, i looked at my watch and was amazed that it was already 6.30! wah!! Called ron using ades phone and double confirmed about the movie thing. (I'm typing awhole lot now that i've realised so i'm cutting things short. Like always,i'm going to summarise them using numbers. Here goes!)

1.Walked all the way to Plaza Singapore from orchard. (Because none of us really know the way, we had to actually find maps along the way and people were staring at us like we're lost foreigners and searching for a way out of this small town area LOL)
2.Went to buy 5 tickets for Shinjuku Incident starring jackie chan. (I feel so bad having to send chibi up to check timing while ades and me smoke but in order to save time, i have no choose. Sry nu errr .. And it's expensive ok ! 8.50 per ticket for a thursday! ): )
3.Gelare Ice cream waffle! (Chibi and me shared one waffle and ades ended up watching us eat because he claimed he was bloated. Hey i can see you drooling korean dude! LOL -kidding- $13.70 for an award winning waffle i guess it's worth it =x anyway it's once a week so well uh. )
4.Music Instrument Gallery! (Those instruments are just amazing.. My eyes glimmer at the sight of those acoustic guitars. They're all so beautiful.. same with the price.. LOL -emo-)
5.Sent Chibi to the mrt station. (because the last show time was at 9.40, its too late after the show and it's gonna be tough for her to get home. Besides she can't really stay out late, so she wasn't able to catch the show with us and i feel kinda bad about it. But there's always another time chibi!!)
6.Food again at Food Court. (Lol i ate so much today and ades was like "You really can eat alot !" rofl. FYI i ate, chicken rice, ice cream, fried kuay teow, + drinks. And i actually wanted to buy the sushi from carrefour, but the queue is like @__@ .. so i abandon the thought instead. i wanted to smuggle the sushi into the theatre LOL! -emo again-
7.Show Shinjuku Incident (Verdict - kinda gore to me but the storyline was good. It made me tear a few parts.. + jump a few parts ._. it's worth it i guess.. that 8.50. And oh ya i almost forgot. I did something damn silly, i lead the other 4 to the wrong theatre and when the show started i was like " where the hell is jackie chan?I thought we were in the wrong theatre but i pushed the thought away thinking that its impossible . Lol and then the title of the show came up and my goodness, it showed "KILLSHOT" and we all bolted up from our seats and shout "KILLSHOT?" looked at each other and run out of the theatre to the one we should be in. SO SILLY OK LOL.!!)
8. Home sweet Home! (me and ades actually wanted to catch the last train back home but just as we opened the door of the station we heard the annoucement saying that the station will be closing and we are like.. .___. we are so unlucky. LOL. Then we met up with the other 3, Ron, Ht,St and shared cabby home.)

Summarized from this outing- Everything is good, everything went well except that it's kinda sad that i didn't get to see Leen today. I was dying to see her lol .. But i guess some thing really important came up so thats why she wasn't able to make it. It's nice to see old friends once in awhile and it's really Fun. Though it's just like walking through the whole entire town area but still, topics kept coming and the atmosphere was really warm. I'm glad that i'll be having all these memories before i leave for seoul at the end of this year. And i'm glad that i have friends like them . Though not many, but i'm contented.

Ok complain time ... -shouts- I'm Hella Tired !!! so off i poof to bed! tomorrow's gonna be grinding time again In rappelz!! Hwa-ee-ting!!!

Journey through life.
Tripping stones, high slopes and wild weeds often occur,
through our paths.
Just so long as ur hardworking, determined and alert enough.
To force yourself beyond ur own limits to create new records and to carefully clear those stuffs away.
It's gonna be smooth again for you to walk on.
Everything is unpredictable,
There's no right or wrongs in everything.
Just yes or no , Want or Abandon, Do or neglect,acknowledge or ignore.
Memories are the sacred thing that all living beings have.
All sorts of memories that made us having all sorts of different emotions when we think of them.
It's actually a blessing really , even the hurting ones.
It's ur journey through life, those stones and wild weeds that came on the path u trek as years goes by.
It's a sign that shows,
How much u've grown, how much u've went through, how much u've earned ..
and lastly
How much life itself weighs.

-quote from Me (: (might sound rubbish to some of you. But i don't care for it's what i believe that makes me write in my own little space. )

Sigh.. x.x

2009-04-14T06:02:00.003+08:00

*pats bloggie* How have you been ? It's like 6am now and i'm supposed to be sleeping now actually, but i can't fall asleep. Hell i hate this lifestyle of mine. I'm not sleeping when i'm ought to. Thus the result of those awful dark eye rings i have under my eyes. Anyways i don't give a damn because i'm ugly enough so bleh. ._.

Work was getting really boring. But i have no other choice. Who's going to support the family if i don't work? Damn i'm getting tired of it really. So i made up my mind i'll be going to seoul by end of this year whether or not my family approves or not. I'm old enough to make my own decisions and since i don't have that much time left, i felt i should do something meaningful and being independent in a brand new atmosphere is just what i need. Seoul i'm coming!! .. Saving hard now.. Barely spending any money on any unnecessary stuffs i guess i'll be able to make it. =D

Time reallly flies huh. It's gonna be thursday again and there's gonna be another audition outing coming up. Will be meeting up Leen, Ades and some other clan members. Oh well, i guess i'll kind of look forward to thursday then. Been grinding Rappelz for these few days while working and finally i'm at R3.. ._. .. it's kind of an accomplishment for me lol cause i've never thought that i'll make it this far. Anyway, theres still a long road to go before r4 so.. gambatte kudasai!

Alright i ought to be sleeping. My skin's condition really worsen due to lack of sleep. Arghh.. I gotta make things right. Luk's been sick for quite some time now and nic's stop working at night due to the fact that school has reopened for him and he's started schooling. I'm actually happy for him because i believed that it's never too old to learn new things so do well nic! Oh well, Junie's been taking over he's shift and hmm.. It's kinda weird but i guess i'll get use to it. Just hope that luk will get well soon. It's weird not seeing him when i arrive for work lol..

As for shawn, i didn't hear from him anymore. I guess he thinks that he's not needed anymore.. And i know any more stuffs i say will definately make things worse. So i'll just let nature takes its own course. Though i'm not really use to it but i guess i'll get over it pretty soon .. i dunno .. that's just what i thought.

Abrupt pains kept haunting me and it's definately turning my life upside down. Next week's gonna be a full body check up day again .. I don't know why but i can't help feeling that i'm being cursed.. Perhaps i really asked for it. But i believed that it's not good cursing someone even he's really mean. I mean Karma exists in this world, so .. well uh .. ._.

alright i'm heading to bed. Good night bloggie. Guess i'll talk to you another day.

What? What is it that i want?
You ask me?
Perhaps your asking the wrong person.
Because i don't even know myself.
Who i am anymore. How i think
How i act, how i feel.
all this, i don't even know.
Completely Blank, completed dried up.
Thats what happened to my pool of emotions.
I guess its better this way.
Without having any feelings for anything,
I guess thats the best way a cowardly one like me would choose to live.
You might think i'm stupid, insulting and invading my privacy where my deepest thoughts hold.
But you know what?
It doesn't affect me anymore, Not anymore.
For i've chosen to abandon this very land soon.
To some where new, To some where fresh
To start anew.
Though its gonna be short,
But at least, I've accomplished one of my goals.
And i'm contented enough.

Gosh ._.

2009-04-06T04:56:00.002+08:00

Look bloggie, It's like 5am now and im still wide awake.. If you asked me, why ? You should know. ._. I'm sick of all this shit really and i don't think i'll have the strength to really carry on right now. God why am i going through all this. I can't even sleep peacefully, stupid body.

It's been like 3 days since we've last spoke to each other, Both shawn and me. Really like little kids heh? Yea i know. But i can't help it. I don't know what i'm supposed to say to him anymore. Might probably get him all mad again which i clearly don't want it to happen. Silence is golden and it's so true not to everyone.. But to me. Everyone has different opinions, thinkings and mindsets of their own and of course, you can't control one's feelings and emotions. It's best to leave it at least thats what i thought. To confront means making matters even worse and i clearly don't believe that confronting each other will clearly help things out. It's impossible for everyone to like you as a person and of course it's impossible to control how one may feel against you. Arguements are inevitable in daily lives all these i know. But yet, stupid stuffs still happen and you know what bloggie? I'm clearly sick of all this. I just wanna lead a peaceful and healthy life.. but like i said it doesn't apply to me.

Thinking back of all those arguements we've had ever since we've got together, i realised how childish and unreasonable we both were. But still we held on for the sake of believing in this relationship hoping that it will last, but as the saying goes, nothing lasts forever. To have loved is better then never to have loved at all. Not used to being alone for this past few days, but i believed gradually i'll be able to get used to it and move on towards my dream to achieve my goals.

I always remind myself that whatever people say it won't be able to affect me easily. But the weak me is so wrong. Every word he said clearly imprinted themselves in my heart and it's painful at times.. sweet at times.. agitating at times .. confusing at times.. I wonder just how much harm can words do at times. People always say actions speak louder than words.. But i doubt so.

It's getting rather "early" now.. My brother is already awake getting ready to go back to he's camp and he looked so tired that it pains my heart. My granny ? She's not getting any better.. but at least her condition stablized and im really glad and thankful that my prayers had worked. For now, i just don't wanna think of anything, just looking after her and my family will be my 100% attention. Besides, i don't think i have the extra energy to actuallly make myself even more upset after all these things happened. -pulls hair- arghh i'm clearly going insane. But after speaking to you bloggie i feel much better. Though u can't speak to me.. But at least you listen .. and thats what i really need.. a listening ear. Thank you bloggie.. *pats*

Don't wanna think,
Don't wanna admit,
Don't wanna face it.
You may say i'm being timid, being stupid,
advoiding and hiding at the same time.
U'll probably think that your not needed,
But thats just your thinking.
That's just you being angry and being disappointed at what?
Is it so hard just to love simply and not have that many expectations of the other part.
I guess it's hard..
I've did my best, tried to change, tried to make myself turn into what you want me to be.
But you know what, It's tiring to change into an entiring different person and faking everything.
To wear things that i myself am not used to, To do stuffs that i'm not really eager into doing it.
To be someone that your not used to, so strange that even when i peered into the mirror ,
i don't recognise myself anymore.
But that's just what i'm thinking,
You have thoughts of your own.
So do i.
Assuming stuffs blindly ain't going to help..
Misunderstanding won't be cleared just by remaining silent and advoiding like a little child.
Thats how im behaving now, like a little child.
This love once sweet has turned bitter and cold.
Where was all the warmth i first felt i can't help but wonder.
Has it already wither? This once beautifully bloomed flower.
It pains me to think of all this really.
When i barely have any strength to carry on.
when i'm barely breathing anymore.

Surprised .. But ..

2009-04-02T03:10:00.002+08:00

Yo bloggie! -waves-

How are you today? For me lethargic as usual.. due to lack of sleep and those stupid awful abrupt pains i'm having. It's quite busy at work today, surprisingly there seems to be quite a number of customers today and i'm somewhat that the shop isn't that desserted like yesterday and the day before.

Played audition to kill time as usual and to hang out with -=SaiClan=- members. It's been so long ever since i've gone on an outing with them and tomorrow there will be an outing at DB mrt station 7.30pm to have a quick dinner and to discuss issues about stuffs happening in the guild. Being one of the old birds in the guild and because there's quite alot of conflicts happening within the guild itself, i have actually been invited to settle the disputes between some of the members along with the guild master and assistants. Should i turn up? I guess i should.. afterall it's been so long since i've last participated in the events within the guild. Kor, da sao , st , izuizu, dodo , dk and sy will be there.. ahh all the long lost classmates.. A reunion indeed. Wonder how's everyone's doing.. Tomorrow i'll be able to find out..

I didn't think that shawn will actually remember that my purse is already too old and ugly to use. It used to be green when i first bought it. But now it turned to algae green and it's not that attractive and nice to carry around with me. The purse which he bought was totally adorable and i liked it alot. It's brown with sketches of teddy bears and it's 100% cute. It's a lil bigger than the one that i've bought for myself but still i liked it and i appreciated him for he's thoughtfulness. He also gave me something else other than the purse, it was just a snack from bugis street and it's famous for it's traditionally made bread and of course the prata hotdog snack. Simply delicious, i still remember the first time i ate it with shawn while shopping for new year clothings during feburary. It sure brings back sweet memories when i bite into the lump of delicious snack.

He went home early today and i thought i should thank him for the stuffs that he had bought for me. So i tried calling him but he didn't answer. Perhaps he's sleeping. It's like almost 4am now.. and though i can't sleep but still i have to try. Tomorrow i have bring my granny to the nearest chinese clinic for therapy and it's really heartbreaking that her condition isn't getting any better after the countless visits to various clinics and hospital. It's really tedious .. both the journey and money... sigh.. but i have no other choice.. I'm the eldest.. so i have to do my part. The younger brother finished he's army but he's just idling at home and though i've speak to him countless of times, but he's still .... arghh .. i don't know what to do anymore. It's bad enough that our family is poor and worse still i'm like the only sole bread winner apart from the occasional help from my aunt and my uncle. If they weren't there to help .. i don't know how are we going to survive anymore..

Alright.. it's time for me to sign off now.. good night bloggie.. -cheers for ownself- Jiayou! jaime!

Why am i chosen to go through of this,

Why is everything so wrong for me,

No matter how hard i prayed , how hard i hoped,

But still, things stayed the same.

Who am i to complain when i'm not the only person suffering in this whole entire world.

It's getting darker..

My own world, my little dimension.

What am i holding to ? I can't help but wonder

But yet there's this little ray of light that's been lighting up that dark sphere which i'm trapped in

grasping onto the single thin stream of light..

But hey, it's getting dimmer almost about to disappear.

Baby, i wished that things would have stayed the same way.

This love, though cruel, but it's alluring at the same time.

Tried to give it up numerous times, but still i can't bear to give it up.

It's ridiculous at times, but yes..its the fact.

Messing around with each other's feelings..Is that the best that we both can do?

How i wished that things were always sweet and lovely..

But Alas! thoughts were thoughts after all.

I can't simply control how others might feel about me..

And i can't control their tempers either.

Now i'm on my own, fighting against my biggest enemy, Time.

Because i know that it won't stop simply for me.

A Sudden Thought

2009-04-01T04:55:00.002+08:00

Whoa.. How long has it been since i've last written in you bloggie. *pats* Have you missed my blabberings in you ? Well , i kind of miss it.. thus i'm now writting in you.. And it's almost 5am now and i'm still quite awake. Haven't been able to sleep well for the past few nights. Probably due to the pain and everything that's been stressing my mind. I've tried to release those tensions.. And even by showing attitude problems to Shawn himself. I felt bad of course.. I didn't really want to do that.. But everything's going wrong for me and it's hard for me to do this all by myself. It's really hard, so hard that i can barely breathe.

Went for therapy during my last off day and the outcome wasn't in my favor at all. I'm rather shocked to hear what my doctor had to say, but i have to accept the fact.. unwillingly.. for the fact is there. Like always, the truth always hurts. Thats why i'm trying very hard to pursue all my goals right now. Been browsing thru sites on Korea.. I've always wanted to visit that place .. to experience life over there.. to work, to live .. Since i barely have any time left.. I have to achieve my goals. It's rather late to start planning now, But i have no choice.. My calender will have to stop in short years to come.. and before i finally perish .. i wanna fulfill my dreams.

Things have been going smoothly for me and shawn, till like two days ago, i blew up and showed him attitude though i've tried hard not to show any frustration but i guess i still blew it up. It's really unfair to him and i know that i'm at fault .. i don't know anymore.. It's almost been a year since we both were together and though for a month we went our own way, but in the end we still got back together.. and i was really thankful..

Haven't talked to him much .. ever since monday when he came and bought food for me yet i lost myself and blew up at him. I must have hurt him bad. But alas , things can never be undone. I've thought about my actions and i kind of laughed at myself for being so childish and silly. Frankly speaking , I really don't know what i want anymore. It seems almost a dream that i'm living and i'm really tired of all the things.. everything .. simply..

He asked me whether i need him to send me back home earlier today, but i told him it's ok and that i can simply take a train back home. Reached home took a bath was getting ready for bed and that awful pain came again. Frustrated really .. rolled all over my bed till like now.. and i'm still awake. I'm sick of this really .. zzzzz

I guess i need a 2nd job other than the cyber cafe job. I need to plan fast, to save fast and to go fast. Since i can't sleep at night because of the stupid unbearable pains , i might as well used the time that i stayed up to earn for extra income. Macdonalds will be a good choice, i've already asked about the job earlier on when i came home from work. Probably i'll receive news from them soon. Extra income finally ..

Family . personal .. all these stuffs crashing upon me. How long can i tolerate this i wonder. I've almost used up all my strength .. but still i need to move on. Time is precious for everyone.. But right now it's even more precious than ever for me.. Since it won't stop for me, i gotta hold on to it and run with it till it finally stop.

Blabbering so much rubbish now, i guess it's time to sign off. Good night bloggie .. Love ya

It's as if the whole world's crashing upon me,

Barely breathing, barely thinking,

Is it so hard just not to think of anything and live simply,

I guess it doesnt apply to me.

Because of all these , i've learnt to acknowledge the fact that not everyone is mend to be perfect,

But still i dreamed about it.

And the more i dreamed, the more i realised that it's not really meant to be that way.

Finally i realised how silly i have been, How much time i've wasted.

The fact hurts like always, and without hurting i wouldn't have grown that much.

Denying facts won't help this i know,

But still , i can't help dreaming..

can't help falling ...

can't help drowning..

can't help sinking...

Nothing much to hope for

2009-02-06T01:23:00.002+08:00

Finally after working for 6 days straight in a row, i finally get to rest and spend my off day... alone. Of course, you of all people should know bloggie how much i wanna spend my day off with buei buei..(I guess i should stop calling him that since he already gave up). I woke up at 1pm today and tried calling him, he answered but sound reluctant to speak to me. He said he's still at Azure and won't be going home later which means that, he don't wanna go home.. he's still mad.. about yesterday .. After i tried explaining to him that i didn't do it on purpose.. and it's not that i don't intend to help him.. Of course i will help him after my boss went away. But.. still.. sigh. My fault for sounding so bad on the phone when he called me for help.. But, i really didnt mean anything.. I'm just so upset about the confrontation.. and it's entirely not my fault .. those customers.. just wanna frame me..how i treated them in the earlier days. So end up they won't quit complaining to my boss.. even when i've already changed my attitude towards them. But hey.. I can't do anything right now.. Because words come out of them, though my boss didn't see but he still believed them. Anyways..I just have to pray hard now.. cause i might be booted off any second.

So, After i called him .. and found out that shawn doesn't really want to see me. today.. which is my off day.. I feel so frustrated.. really frustrated.. that i blew up and quarrel with my granny.. which is of course.. My fault.. But i just couldn't control.. and at about 5pm ++ i was really fed up with my granny and about all the stuffs that i just stomped out of the house and went downstairs for a meal.. Came home at about 6.30pm .. and went straight into my room slamming the door behind me. My granny of course pounded on the door and scolded me straight yelling away but i just ignored her and asked her to fuck off and leave me alone.. Phone kept ringing .. i don't give a damn... and i heard her asking my brother that whoever called to find me tell them i'm fucking not at home. "This kind of people better leave the house, bring disgrace to the family only. Come home and show attitude think she is the boss of the house. Just by giving the house a mere 400 she thinks she owns the house. " She ranted in Hokkien. WELL GO AHEAD AND FUCKING SCOLD ME I DON"T FUCKING CARE. I know it's my fault and i shouldn't blow up at her.. But why must she be so sarcastic and kept pointing faults at me when it's entirely my brothers fault saying what " YOUR THE BIG SISTER YOU SHOULD DO YOUR PART. YOUR BROTHER IS LIKE THAT ONLY BECAUSE HE LEARN HE'S DISGUSTING WAYS FROM YOU." Fuck it.. seriously.. i did nothing.. I nv steal anything in my whole entire life.. and how the hell he learnt stealing other ppl's stuffs from me.. FUCK I JUST WANNA GIVE UP AND DIE SO BAD AT TIMES. Just when i feel i should be giving more love to my grandmother she has to say that to me. CRAP EVERYTHING IS JUST AWFULLY WRONG. Sometimes i really don't wanna give half of my earnings to the household.. cause eventually my grandmother will just be giving them all to my brother.. So you can see why i always skip my therapies. HOW CAN I FUCKING GO WHEN I HAVE SO MUCH STUFFS TO HANDLE AT HOME.. but again.. It's my duty .. so .. GO TO HELL I ACCEPT MY FATE.

Now that she's asleep .. i came out and typed this shit thing in you bloggie.. I DON"T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE... SERIOUSLY I"M FED UP! .. DUH! LIFE SUCKS TERRIBLY... Where's that ray of light ?? I thought i held it securely in my hand... Yet again.. it's a mere illusion.. Is our relation that seriously weak?? That we had to argue because of pointless things.. It's not that i havent tried my best to explain and apologise.. i did but.. sigh.. perhaps he is tired.. way tired..

Wondering where i am.

I just cant seem to find my own place.

Tearing apart, Strengthless..

Why am i here, sometimes i wonder.

Is it so hard just to find simple life and simple love.

Perhaps its best if i just look forward.

Set my mind to a point where everything becomes blank.

Think of nothing, Speak of nothing.

And act like nothing.

Just like a normal being,

With an empty heart.

Finally It's Over

2009-02-04T16:57:00.003+08:00

Tons of stuffs happened and well i was a little too lazy to really write every day .. Especially when chinese new year was around the corner.. 2oo9's chinese new year was definately one of the best chinese new year i've got so far.. Besides from regular visitations from relatives, the sumptous reunion dinner.. and of course..The amount i managed to get from all those red packets. Didn't quite think that this year's red packet money would be that much. But although it's quite alot, but still it'll end up gone because there's tons of bills i still need to settle in the household. But at least it'll lessen my burden a whole lot for this month..really thankful.

Many things happened.. So i'll do the usual thing..

1.Chinese New Year Reunion Dinner (really warm gathering this year.. Especially with my dearest granny..Definately the most important person in my whole entire life..No body can ever replaced her not even.. )

2. Chinese New Year Lao Yu Sheng with xperteleven crew at bugis.. (many many ppl..But ..overall ok)

3. Midnight Movie (UnderWorld: Rise of the Lycans) - with junie and he's girlfriend.. rather good show..Enjoyed it.

4. A whole lot more.. But i just.. cant be bothered to write that much out.. Sorry bloggie..

Just what kind of a person i am to him i really wonder at times.. I always did whatever that i was told by him.. He thinks that i purposely dont wanna help him, die die say cannot.. But i have no choice.. My boss confronted me earlier on and hes already in a bad mood.. Then buei buei asked me to help him do some stuffs in kicks online.. I said i can't because boss is around.. Cannot ..really cannot... After hanging up .. i asked my boss permission to switch on a comp to help shawn with something. My boss agrees but only for alittle while he said. Really glad i hop back to call him but he refuse to pick up my call.. Maybe hes in toilet was what i thought when he didnt pick up at the first call.. I tried calling again and logged in my msn at the same time, saw him online and msged him asking him to pick up the call and he typed " NOT FREE" ..

Hes angry..I explained to him why i said i can't help him but he still refuse to forgive me.. Maybe i'm in the wrong too.. because after getting confronted by luk once again.. how good can one feel? I just wanna stay out of trouble at the mean time since boss is getting fed up ...i got upset, really upset. And asked why is he getting so mad because of this.. It's not like i purposely refuse to help him or what.. Sigh .. Then there he go again.. Hinting me that it's over between us.. It's always like that.. and i'm really sick of it.. We have not quarrelled for quite some time.. and i thought things is finally getting pretty.. But .. thoughts were thoughts afterall...

He said i couldnt even lift a finger to help him .. But i've already explained not ??? I did tried to ask boss permission again and he agreed and i tried to amend things did i not?? why cant he just be gentleman enough and forgive me.. why is it always me that have to do the "I'm Sorry" .. always me.. Like i'm the only one in the wrong.. He said that don't expect him to do anything for me from now on.. I asked him not to worry .. there wont be a next time nemore.. ..

"Good for you" was what he said.. Yea.. He's right.. Perhaps it's best for me.. and the best for him too.

Strange enough .. Though deep inside i seemed to be torned apart.. But .. i feel somewhat.. relieved..

Can't stop it from happening..

perhaps its really the end..

Perhaps the best ending..

Hopes were hopes afterall..

The fact still remains..

And like always..

The Truth always hurts.

Defeated

2009-01-16T06:29:00.003+08:00

A few days has passed since i've last wrote in you bloggie. Chinese new year is around the corner.. And i'm looking forward to it.. Since it may be the last reunion dinner i can have together with my brothers and .. granny .. I definately hope that next year she will still be around, but.. sigh ...

Yesterday's my off day, and both me and buei buei spent a little too much time on sleeping.. End up reaching he's home at around 8.25pm..which is late already. I didnt get to see him the day before, so i was really happy to see him earlier on. And we watch a few tv proggrames before setting off to balestier to eat the famous curry rice. But yet again we ordered a little too much and end up being all bloated again.

Headed to Azure after our meal and i played a round of dota with my buei buei and another 4 friends. Things didnt go well , mainly because we got 2 girls who's quite new in dota and of course.. me and the other wasn't really that good also.. We lost the match, and buei buei was fed up with all of us. Things got ugly after the match.. I dont really wanna say what happened.. But i felt extremely upset and heart broken .. I knew he's feeling agitated.. so i went and intend to sayang him abit.. but .. sigh.. i guess i spoke at the wrong time.. He said i asked for it when i knew he's angry and he will scold me.. but.. anyway.. i was really really x100 upset.. Alot of things happened and i just want both me and buei buei to be fine.. is it so difficult.. just a game and can make us both so unhappy .. I tried to control my temper too.. Just want to console him and make him feel better after the game.. and yet .. perhaps its all my fault.. i shouldn't have speak that much .. Or better yet.. i shouldn't have played. Maybe it's better for me to advoid playing with him in the future.. i really don't wish to quarrel or argue with him.. It just makes me feel so awful inside.. I tried to control my tears but it still came out.. I hate crying infront of ppl really .. And i feel so stupid that i was actually crying.. But i wasn't crying because i lost the game.. i cried because he misunderstand my intention when i tried to make up things with him. I knew i did badly... i told him i tried my best and my buei buei blew up at me T_T .. I dont wish to stay after crying ..i wanna hide so bad.. but .. he insist that i stay or don't look for him the next time. .. i feel even more upset.. almost cant breathe at all.. but i stayed .. because i can't afford to not look for him again.. He's like.. everything to me.. i tried to change tried to control .. but stupid stuffs still happen between him and me.. IS IT SO HARD ?? T_T ..

So many stuffs troubling mee.. whether it's family stuffs or financial stuffs , it's definately driving me crazy .. and yet i can feel at ease and feel secure whenever my buei buei's around me.. But sometimes, things got ugly and i feel that maybe i'm not that important.. when i thought i'm supposed to be to him. I dunno .. maybe i'm thinking a little too much .. way too much ..

Usual prayers.. GOD if your listening.. please.. Watch over my buei buei and he's family and my family members too. Goodnight Bloggie .. Signing off.

Suffocating, Barely breathing..
But yet i still held on..
For the sake of being able to be by your side..
Obstacles obstructing us to be together..
Stupid things and stupid stuffs happen..
No matter how hard i try , Arguements still inevitable..
But no matter how much i'm hurting..
I'm willing to tolerate..
So long as your standing beside me..
Wonder how long i can last..
To be able to be in your embrace..
Perhaps i dont have much time..
But i just wanna enjoy your company..
while i still can .. still breathing..

=)

2009-01-10T03:19:00.002+08:00

Lalala! i'm here again bloggie! *pats bloggie* how have you been ? o= .. Anyway .. Recently my body is feeling way too awful .. Frequent headaches.. and aching pains in my back.. Sigh .. T_T .. It's really a torture.. ): .. I slept like a pig again yesterday .. which is my off day .. When i woke up it's already 4pm++ and i received a call from my buei buei ... Wanted to force myself out of bed.. But was way too tired and my head hurts damn lot.. wanted to rest for abit before i get up and end up sleeping again.. Till 5.30pm i woke up and took a bath and it was 6.25pm when i finished everything and was about to go out from home to my buei buei's place when he suddenly called and told me that he's going out.. I was surprised and of course asked him where he's going. He just said he's going out.. and i told him i'm done and i'm going over to he's place now.. He seemed sad and said that it's late already.. And he's mother is coming home any moment. I reassure him that i'll be there as soon as possible and then he sighed and said ok. Relieved , i rushed out of house and took a cab over to he's place. Really feel sorry about it. He must have been waiting for me since early afternoon.. But .. i actually .. I'm sorry about it.. really .. I didn't do it on purpose though.. It's just those awful headaches that i'm having and those unbearable pain.. ARghh.. driving me nuts.

He's mother seemed to be slowly changing her impression of me.. and i'm really happy .. She even offered me to watch a set of dvd that she have .. And because i rarely have time to watch it and don't really understand cantonese.. I returned the dvd to her. I feel kinda bad about it.. But .. i hope she's not mad or anything.. Then we left he's house and head over to thomson Prata House to have our late dinner.. and i've never been there before and i was bewildered because the prata and food there were simply too deliciouss.. I've never taste any prata that crispy before seriously.. Definately an enjoyable meal.. though we both ate a little too much and suffered from stomach cramps.. lolss. how silly we both are.. always ordering a little too much for us to consume.. But as long as we enjoyed the food.. It's all worth it i guess .!

Head over to my workplace as soon as we finished our meal and i slept for like 2 hrs again.. Serves me right for watching Sotong [Brando] playing Left 4 Dead and end up having headaches again.. So i slept for abit and when i woke up it's already almost 2am. Played a couple rounds of dota and buei buei sent me home. It was cold on the way home again and i'm thankful that buei buei brought along he's windbreaker again.. But i feel bad.. Because he's not wearing any clothes that will keep him warm.. So again i tried to rub he's' arms hoping that he will feel better. Really pains him to see him shivering that much from the back.

This months gonna be a tough month for me.. Loads of problems i had to deal with within the family household. But i believe i will pull through just like how i managed to for the past few months. I'm really determined to quit the habit of smoking.. Because .. It's really starting to pressure me.. Just like what my buei buei says..
1. Smoking Causes Bad breath
2.Smoking Is the Cause of yellowish Teeth
3.Ciggerettes are expensive.
4.Smoking Harms Health
5.Smoking Doesnt look good one bit.. especially for girls..

Sigh .. It's getting late.. But i can't help being worried.. About my granny's health condition.. I really cant Imagine .. what will happen .. if.. I don't know .. and i cant bear to think about it.. though i know .. I have to face it sooner or later.. But .. I just don't know.. Sometimes i really wish to spend more time with her.. But i've gotta work .. and i just hope taht my brothers will be sensible enough and help her do the household chores when i'm not around and take better care of her. She looked after the three of us ever since our mom left us when i was merely 5 yrs old.. and my brothers.. 3 and 1 .. shes done her job now that all of us are grown ups already .. But it's so hard for me to find time to really sit down and speak to my brothers because by the time i got home from work each day they're already asleep and sometimes.. they were not even back. Thankful that my buei buei is there for me each and everyday .. and sometimes i really feel that i'm stupid and terrible throwing tantrums around when he's done nothing wrong.. It's wrong for me to do that i know.. But all these things bottling inside of me.. i'm really gonna explode soon.. suffocating.. and yet i can always feel at ease whenever he's around .. and he's presense often made me not to think about those problems. Really thankful that he's around for me.

IT's getting late.. i ought to be sleeping.. If not i'll end up like a zombie again tomorrow.. Good night bloggie.. May GOD bless my family members and my buei buei and he's family member always. As long as they're fine.. whatever i'm going through now is all worth it. *kisses bloggie*

A mixture of negative feelings hiding within me,

Yet i feel at ease whenever your beside me,

coaxing me, doting on me,

And yet sometimes i chose to be defiant and taking things for granted,

showing you things that you do not wish to see,

But i just wanna let you know that,

I'm really thankful and glad..

That though i often made you angry,

Your still standing right beside me..

No doubt the only ray of light thats shining upon me..

The fact that i'll soon be vanishing, But i believe ..

You'll still shine somewhere within a part of me..

Tired...

2009-01-07T03:20:00.003+08:00

Wahhh bloggie.. I"m so damn F**KING tired.. Sigh.. Almost everyday i have to do all the laundry after i got home from work and frankly speaking i'm starting to get tired of it.. I mean .. My brothers have all grown up .. So why cant they just F**KIng do their own laundry.. Everyday i had to do it for them and you know how hard it is to wash those army clothes.. And plus they are so heavy.. T_T But Sigh, i'm the eldest in the family .. So i guess it's my responsiblity but how long can i stay with them to wash their clothes for them.. They need to learn to do it themselves pretty soon ..

Today i took longer to reach home.. Got home at about 1.20am because i need to head over to the bank to drop my pay cheque into the cheque box.. Was really hungry so i bought Handmade noodle while walking home from the coffee shop opposite from where i'm staying.. It's amazingly delicious.. It's a new store.. and well, actually i wanted to eat mince meat noodle.. But i thought maybe i should try the food from the new store.. and .. Deliciousss =D .. Then followed by my bath + laundry.. and ironing of my stupid brothers army clothes.. = =" .. and yep it's tis time that im done with everything ..and thought of calling my buei buei .. But just seeing how tired he was earlier on made me change my mind.. He needs rest...and it really pains my heart to see him that tired.. He reach the shop pretty early because he had some transfer and banking to do.. and because of this .. he didnt get to sleep much .. My poor buei buei T_T ..

Finally i've got my pay and it's really a relieve because those household bills are like 3 days after the due date.. Sigh .. Frankly speaking.. this job that i currently have doesnt really help me alot.. I mean .. The pay is not that high .. But thinking of just being able to be beside my buei buei .. its all worth it.. =D .. And i'm really thankful that i'm able to work in azure.. Hontou ni! ^_^ But there's no additional 50 bucks for me this month.. Probably due to the poor business and those complains T_T.. sigh.. at least i still have my pay and still got my job .. so i'm thankful still =)

Ohhh yess after tomorrow's my off day .. Cant wait to spend my off day with buei buei again! Wee~ =D hmm .. nothing much i wanna do on the off day except for being by my buei buei's side.. Hopefully i'll be able to sleep next to him for the entire day .. YUP i wanna sleep for the entire day on my this coming off day!! ^(OO)^ ... I wondering what's wrong with me .. Lately i've been having those really awful headaches.. and they come without warning.. and it's killing me really .. I need restt.. so off day is sleeping for the whole day .. BESIDE MY BUEI BUEI.. (yea i wish.. lolss.. Its not gonna happen because he's mom will like be at home at 5 T_T )

Alright enough blabbering .. I' m really exhausted.. So i'm gonna stop here for now.. *kisses bloggie* Good night bloggie.. =D .. and may GOD bless my buei buei and family always..

Cause i'm dreaming..
Of you tonight.. Till tomorrow..
I'll be holding you tight..
And there's no where in the world i rather be..
With you in my arms..
Dreaming about you and meee..
Drowning in Love..
Binded by your sweet embrace.. =D
Always remembered , Never Forgotten ..

Phew..

2009-01-04T04:24:00.003+08:00

*spanks Bloggie* Hey how have you been? .. You know .. I really don't know why .. But lately i kind of feel uneasy about everything that's happening around me.. Don't come asking me why .. Because i myself, I'm not really sure too.. It's just this weird feeling... arghh.. @_@ ..

Anyway, I was nearly late for work today .. I woke up and it's already 1.50pm.. GG.. i didnt even get to bathe and i just get myself a change of clothes and rushed out of the house to the MRT and .. well, i was late.. for like 5 minutes? i don't know .. But i rushed like mad and end up perspiring alot when i reach my work place. Well, again.. I got told off by my boss luk that i should stop being so fierce to customers.. which i havent been ever since he kind of confronted me that day .. I don't know who's trying to make things difficult for me.. But ever since that day luk told me about my working attitude.. I've already changed.. and sigh.. never mind.. Perhaps they still hold grudges.. and won't stop till i'm finally out of the job.. but anyway.. i asked for it .. so .. i've no right to like.. complain ? .. But still i'm sad.. and a little afraid.. it's not like there are no other jobs that i can look for if i'm out of this but .. It's the only job that can let me really stay close to buei buei .. so yea .. = =" .. Whatever is gonna happen, i don't really forward to it.. because i know .. soon things will turn ugly .. and .. of course.. i wont make things difficult for luk since he said that it's starting to affect he's business and people won't come because i got a little too fierce with them.. Now.. the thing is.. how am i going to get those people back to azure? ... T_T .. Aww.. stupid me.. now i think of it.. I'm really at the fault huh .. Luk probably tolerated it for a very long time .. till he can no longer stand it.. seeing that he's business is gonna ruin in my hands.. I'm sorry .. But what can i do.. I can only hope that the custoemrs will kind of forgive my attitude and come back to play.. Although i did my part by cleaning and everything like topping up drinks and restocking.. i guess customer service is still the most important part.. because it's the customers that will be paying me .. I'll just do what my buei buei taught me to do .. To not bother.. and to learn how to nag.. T_T .. Arghh .. Headache .. @_@ ...

Got home today at 12.23am and tried to call buei buei to tell him that i've reached home incase he's worried about me.. but .. i guess he's phone is dead or something.. Because i just can't call through.. I hope he'll go home later on.. because .. i simply don't want and can't bear to know that he's skin irritation problem is going to affect him again. T_T .. Really Heart Pain... and the worse thing is .. i cant do anything about it.. Even though i clean up the room like every 2 days.. But .. sigh .. T_T .. its still not helping isn't it.. He's skin is really soo sensitive.. well mine too .. But i cant be bothered about myself.. x=

SUPER BROKE.. i even had to make buei buei buy me dinner and borrowed 30 bucks from him for this month .. because i kind of spend a little too much on christmas presents.. and besides.. i had to clear that stupid debt that my uncle owed to singtel.. It's not that i had to clear it.. But he's using my youngest brother's name to get that line .. so yea.. I gave almost half of my income to my granny this month .. end up i'm simply broke right now .. l0lss.. T_T ..but my pay will come soon .. sooo no worries.. Arghhh things are making me crazy ... alot of stuffs is happening to my family.. but thankfully my buei buei is there.. to make me feel comfortable and .. things will definately get really ugly if i'm single and alone right at this moment. 2009 is definately going to be tough for me.. Since my granny's health is really not that good at the moment and plus my brothers and uncles stuff.. ARGHH MAKING ME CRAZY .. The only thing that is able to comfort me is the thought that my buei buei is somewhere out there missing me and thinking of me..

Alright i'm really tired bloggie so i'll just stop now.. talk to you like tomorrow or something?? #_# .. no promises though.. *kisses bloggie* oyasumi =)

Late at night when all the world is sleeping,

I stay up and think of you..

And i wish on a star..

That somehow you are.. Thinking of Me too..

Things bugging on my mind..

But strangely , I just feel at ease..

Whenever i close my eyes and think of you..

So in love.. Almost blinded..

Sigh..

2009-01-02T06:24:00.002+08:00

Finally another year has passed and it's 2009 now. The first day of the year luckily falls on my off day and of course i spent the day with my buei buei.. But i guess i slept a little too much or something.. cause by the time i woke up its already 6pm+ and of course.. Buei buei has been paitently waiting for me to come by he's house.

Unfortunately we weren't able to catch the show "Twilight" because i overslept and there were no more showings available in the cinema except at Chua Chu Kang.. And because it's far so we decided to drop the idea and instead we went to toa payoh to have a sumptous meal that consists of BBQ chicken Wings, Satay and The famous hokkien mee thats definately the best of the best you can find in the whole of singapore. Was really statisfied after our meals..because all the food were really delicious .. Followed by dota session at novena.. my workplace.. and we played a couple of rounds.. Was really happy till i kinda blow up and got angry with one of our friends that was also playing in the same game as us .. and things got pretty ugly .. Because both of us were mad and we're also clearly losing in that particular game. I got scolded by my buei buei of course.. That even though he clearly have done some stupid mistakes.. But i shouldnt go as far as to scold him that much and shout at him.. Well, I know i'm wrong about that.. but .. I just couldnt control... At that time .. I believe my buei buei already trying to tolerate me and just play on instead.. We lost that round of course.. and we played another two games and headed home..
It was pretty cold on the way back.. But of course, i didnt feel that cold because buei buei brought along he's wind breaker and i'm wearing it. But on the other hand, he had to actually endure the cold and sent me home.. I felt like removing the jacket and put it on him instead, but i don't dare to move too much, afraid that i'll cause trouble instead.. and i know he would want me to wear it instead. So i just used both my hands and tried to make him feel not that cold.. But i know it's not really useful...
He suddenly said to me when we were almost reaching my place that he hopes that i will not smoke for the whole day tomorrow.. I promised him that and then i asked him if i can smoke the day after.. He said i can .. But only one. I wanted to tease and bargained with him.. "how about 2" .. He said "No.. Only 1.. you and your stupid ego... 1 is already alot.. Dont come lying to me saying that you'll quit when you cant even do that." .. Of course.. i wanted to defend myself.. and i said .. Those smokers normally can smoke up to 10 sticks per day .. I'm already doing my best and only 2 per day.." I admit i'm being stubborn by saying so.. But hes face turned black and said , "Theres no such thing as that ok.. Either you smoke one or next time you dont come talk to me..." I was upset .. really upset .. at hearing something like this.. And i know he's upset too.. I didnt really talk about that.. Just remove the wind breaker .. and hand it to him .. and went home.. without giving him the usual good night kiss.. and of course.. i didnt get any from him too .. I felt really upset bloggie.. I know .. that it's for my own good that he insist on me doing exactly as what i'm told.. But i just don't know why i talk back to him. With no good night kiss from him.. I couldnt fall asleep.. as tired as i was.. I tried calling him.. wanting to tell him i'm serious .. and i'm really serious about quitting smoking.. and i'll do exactly as what he says .. as long as he's happy .. but he didn't pick up my call.. no matter how many times i tried to call him.. he still didn't pick up.. Heart immediately shrunk to the bottom.. He's angry .. he's mad .. and maybe he doesn't want to see me again.. Because of this .. Because of my stupid smoking habit.. He ignored me..

He doesn't believe that i'll change.. I'll quit smoking.. He doubted that i'll change for him.. And i've already started to get used to not smoking once in awhile.. I used to smoke so much more.. in the past compared to now.. But .. He's not statisfied.. He once said to me that i can smoke .. But not that much .. and try to quit.. But i'm trying.. really trying my best.. I didnt smoke at all today .. Not a single stick .. and i believe that soon i'll really be able to stop smoking completely.. But .. he doesn't have faith in me.. don't believe that i can actually change for him.. when i've already did so many changes that he hopes for me to do. I'm not trying to say thats he's demanding.. Well.. maybe a little.. and sometimes i can really hardly breathe when i'm with him.. i admit.. but i still wanna be with him.. i don't wanna give up.. I'm trying my best.. to do whatever that he wants.. I just need him to believe in me.. and don't use those offensive words.. on me.. It's not entirely he's fault.. sometimes i know i'm being unreasonable and stubborn too.. and he's tolerated me alot.. all these i know.. But.. sigh .. never mind .. *pats bloggie* .. you know .. people say .. New Year brings Good luck .. but clearly .. This is not good at all.. It's not what i want .. I want both me and buei buei to be good throughout this year.. and yet.. Perhaps he's right.. Me and my stupid ego .. perhaps i should just vanish .. just disappear.. and just stay quiet.. like i did last time when i'm all alone.. Perhaps it's better.. at least i wont bring that much suffering to people around me..
Tomorrow .. I doubt he'll come .. I believe .. he's totally giving up on me now.. But i asked for it.. if only i had not talk back to him earlier on.. But whats done been done.. I cant do anything now .. I really regret .. and i'm really sorry.. But it's no use now right ? .. No use now... Surprisingly ... for the first time .. i really feel i'm a really terrible girl.. I should be alone .. really alone.. I mustn't be selfish .. i'll just .. let things be .. and free shawn of he's agony of being with me.. I don't want him to feel all sad and angry when there's so many stuffs troubling him on he's mind.. I'll retreat myself .. so long as he's fine and happy .. i will retreat.
Happy New Year Bloggie.. 2009 .. time is passing so fast huh .. I hope it'll pass even faster.. i just wanna do my part as a big sister in my family now .. and the rest.. i'll just let nature takes its own course.. No longer want to trouble anyone.. It's enough .. clearly enough...

I did it again..
No matter how hard i tried to prevent it..
Still i did it again..
Remorseful, But what's been done been done..
Can Blame no one but myself..
Stubborn ego and stupid temper you said ..
It's all true now .. I realised..
Perhaps i'm really meant to be alone..
I'm sorry for hurting you ,
I really never meant it that way ..
Cause your the only ray of light that brightens up my life..
But sadly.. Its beginning to drift away from me..
My karma ..My own doing..
I've ruined the only ray of light thats been shining upon me..
Can blame no one else.. But me..

Ages..

2008-12-30T03:16:00.002+08:00

HoHoHo.. how long was it since i've last updated this blog of mine.. = =" *pats bloggie* sry bloggie.. Anyways, It's been like almost a month ? Alot has happened and there were both sad and happy stuffs that occured to me. But like i said, things are still fine between me and shawn and i really thank god for that. Though we have quarrelled numerous times between this period but everything is fine again and i'm really grateful. =D
2009 is around the corner and sad to say, goals that i've set for myself for 2008 have not been achieved and i'm rather embarassed and disappointed myself. Gonna be 23 yrs soon, and it makes me really afraid and scared because time is definately passing fast and i know it's not gonna stop and wait for me. Sometimes i really hope that i can be healthy and nothing is wrong with me and i can spend more time more coming years with my buei buei .. But the fact that time is running out makes me cry in the middle of the nights.. never been so afraid .. i wonder whats gonna happen 7 yrs later.. Some believe that 21 12 2012 is the day when the earth will no longer support us humans and thats when the human race finally disappear from the surface of the earth.. Or will there not be an earth anymore? .. But still , i cant help feeling afraid..
Lately, been feeling really uncomfortable.. my whole body aches.. especially my back , making me unable to sleep peacefully in the night. I can only roll myself on the bed and think of things that are gonna happen in the years to come. Nightmares.. who say you'll only experience nightmares when your asleep.. But ok.. enough of all these sad stuffs..
Christmas passed and yay i got to see my christmas lights.. though some bad stuffs happen while on the way back from Orchard which i wanna forget , but still it's still memorable.. haha .. Buei Buei bought shaver for me as christmas present and frankly speaking.. i havent touch that thing because i simply have no idea how it works and i'm afraid to use it..L0lss.. silly isn't it. Anyway .. Christmas was FUN ! =D
We planned to watch "Twilight" during my next off day.. But you know .. i kinda feel bad everytime because buei buei gotta pay like for everything whenever we went out .. But last off day was exceptional.. Finally i was able to do my part as well to buy stuffs for buei buei wahahha.. *Happy* .. kekeke.. Oh speaking about christmas presents.. i bought two OP shirts for buei buei .. i actually wanna buy something special .. but you know .. I really have no idea what to buy for him.. Roam the whole United Square and passed by OP store and found these two really nice looking T-Shirts.. which is rather expensive .. = =" but still it's worth it so long as i see smiles on Buei Buei's face ! =D
Ok this post is definately gonna be long..But bare with me bloggie T_T afterall it's been quite some time since i've last wrote in you and i have sooo much things to relate to you!!
I'll kinda summarized it again like the last time..
1.Christmas Lights.. (weee .! Got to see those beautiful lights in orchard road.Coloured lights really can make me very happy.. I wonder why..)
2. IP man and The Day The Earth Stood Still (Fantastic shows.. though i suffered serious headache after watching IP man because the screen was like soooo NEAR.. but still i enjoyed it.. =D)
3.Christmas Shopping and Presents! (Wonderful Christmas this year.. Especially when i got to spend it with buei buei.. Never felt so loved before.. and i'm gonna cherish it.. till i'm finally gone)
4.Coming New year is gonna fall on my off day again.! So luckky woohooo!! ..Twilight Twilight.. Watch Twilight!! (Wash Toilet .. if you say it too fast.. Watch Twilight becomes wash toilet! LOL)
oh.. i almost forget.. theres this one day that i feel really really awful .. i think it's like 3 days ago.. when my boss actually kinda confronted me about the way i treat some of the customers there.. I know it's inappropriate because i'm working there..But.. i just cant help it... Too straight forward and can't control my temper then BOOM! .. anyway .. Because i love this job and because this job is the only way for me to get to see my buei buei everyday .. I will change and .. well .. i WILL CHANGE!! To secure this job that enables me to be near to him everyday... I really feel pampered.. Not in.. item wise.. but it's the feeling thats important to me.. I can have nothing .. But i definately can't live without him .. Everytime he sayang me.. i can't help feeling "SWEET IN MY HEART" i'm like a cat you know.. i loveeee being "patted and sayang" lol.. what the hell am i saying..

Ok i guess i'll stop here.. And try to fall asleep again.. Most probably end up rolling here and there again ..But .. Well, i'm kinda used to it.. And .. God .. if your really there.. can you please.. watch over my buei buei .. Help him in he's problems.. and protect him from all bad stuffs.. Heal he's skin irritation problem.. and keep him healthy always.. And also for my granny .. watch over her as well.. make her leg feel better.. she's important to me as well.. she's like my mother.. to me.. I know i'm asking a little too much .. But .. please.. fulfill my wishes this i pray..
Goodnight bloggie.. Love ya.. *muacks*

Time flies in a wink,
And here i am still drifting,
From the surface of all my dreams.
So many lights above me..
But the only light that seemed to catch my attention..
Is slowly beginning to be drifting away from me..
How long can i last.. To be able to see that ray of light..
My only desire.. My only love..
The only warmth amoung those rays of lights..
Please be shining forever ..
Even when i'll wither and vanish from ur side..

Yahoooo0loL~

2008-12-06T16:13:00.002+08:00

Hey~*spanks Bloggie* Long time no see! XD [rofl] ! Finally it's december and you know december means what? Means CHRISTMAS! Amoung all the festivals , i must say Christmas is my favorite. I don't know why , Don't ask me why not chinese new year where you can get all the money from the hong baos. = =" Money is not important to me, it's the .. umm.. ehm.. o_O how do you say that... arghh nvm.

Alot has happened during the past few weeks and days and first i must apologise for not writing in you. You know, people gets a little lazy from time to time :D =x Ok .. so heres a little summary. Mmm.. *thinks* ehh hes with me and i'm with him and .. D: .. so many things to write.. Fine i'll just shorten it and numbered it!

1.Yoshinoya! x2 [amazingly delicious .. tho a little expensive..]

2.Body of Lies [Err nice movie but frankly speaking, the movie makes me @.@ most of the time]

3.Kicks Online Gathering [Well, not mine but yea they came to see their lao dao my buei buei! ROFL =x]

4.WildChild [Ok..this show is ok for me but its obviously a "NoNo" for my buei buei because after the show had ended, he said one word.. and that is "STUPID" LAWL :D]

5. Tidbits Craze! [Ok he bought alot of tidbits for me and i lurrveee it :D yummy yumMy!!]

6. Pork Rib soup At Balestier [Great tasting soup a little expensive and lil too pepperish!! D: ]

@.@ i cant think of anything more.. lol.. Too much ..and most of them were happy.. and if the remaining days were all like say this.. I must say .. life is not that bad after all .. dont you think ? *winks* ..

OH MY GAWD BUEI BUEI DAISUKI!!!! *many many loves loves* LAWL

So much happy memories,

It's getting hard for me to remember.

But one thing i'm sure i'll never ever forget..

Is your smiling , disappointed , angry adorable face..

Totally defeated, totally drowned..

So in love... Almost blinded..

Forgotten?

2008-11-23T04:50:00.003+08:00

Holy crap! L0lss how long has it been since i've last touched this blog of mine.. No wonder your so rusty.. Sorry bloggie *Pats* Told you i'm gonna to not write in you for a little while.. because i just want people to think that i no longer use you anymore.. So that people would not venture deep into the place where my deepest thoughts held again..
I suppose alot has happened during all these times. And of course, me and buei buei .. we never quarrelled again.. after that time and i'm really glad. It really feels awful when we quarrel and it hurts awfully too. The feeling totally sucks and i'm glad that we don't have to go through it again.. at least for now.. Who knows what will happen in the future. I wonder will the feeling we have for each other fade as time goes by. I'm certain that the feeling that i have for him will always stay the same, but when it comes to him, i'm a little bit unsure.. I don't really know why i felt this way but .. you know.. instincts? or you call it sixth sense.
He dotes on me alot and i know that for now, i'm important to him.. like he is important to me as well. Anyway, i just hope that my remaining days will be spent only to be next to him, beside him and always with him.
It's getting busier for me in xpert eleven now. Two more additional teams for me to manage.. Arghh it beats me why i'm taking so many teams when i still don't have the experience to manage even the four teams that i currently have now. Anyway, since it's handled to me, i'll do my very best and not let the former managers effort go to waste. Indeed a challenging managing game, i need to do more homework so as to do better in the leagues. All the teams are so strong == " i've even forgotten to do the settings on Crucifix FC today and ended up being trashed with 2 goals from opponent team. Serves me right from sleeping during work today. Can't blame me.. I'm not feeling well at all.. Period's FAULT! ARGHH!
It's 5am now and if your still wondering why am i not sleeping but still typing in this almost forsaken blog of mine, well.. The pain that i'm currently suffering now.. Unbearable..cant even sleep.. Need to take medication to cover up that irritating cramps.. = ="
Arghh.. tomorrow's gonna be a tiring day again.. I'm always like this, gets tired easily whenever i'm having monthly visitations from the "grandmother" .. Just hope the hours will fly pass quickly tomorrow so that i can go home and probably end up sleeping in the morning again.. ARGHH!! I HATE PERIODS!! I WANNA GET PREGNANT! ROFL .. = =" (CRAZY HUH? LOL {yea your probably right.. So crazy in love.. That im almost suffocating..Almost drowning..})
Oh well... i'll just go .. take a bath and then retire .. for the.. morning? LAWL... kay .. ciaoz.. *kisses blog*
Oyasumi (:

Long nights have passed,
You might have forgotten,
It might have faded,
But Strange enough,
I still remember it..
And i always will,
For it's already crafted ,
Deep into my heart and soul..
Whether You Wish It Or Not..
Your Mine.. In my own dimension..

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2008-11-01T16:24:00.003+08:00

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celeb - Collage - Morph

Whoa..It's been quite some time since i've last updated my blog.. Work is boring as usual.. Did the normal cleaning up stuffs that includes vaccuming the room, wiping the keyboards and finally got to change the stinky pillow cases that havent been change for .. I think 3 months?! LAWL .. Yup anyway , Did those stuffs and then went to check on my Xpert eleven stuffs. Ehh.. It's actually like a football management game.. Where you get to have your own teams and then you manage them like.. Your own.. You know.. Me? Football!? rofl.. Neh .. i just learn from my buei buei! x= .. After that just randomly surf the net and then i stumbled upon this heritage site.. Looks kinda cool isn't it? Lol.. = =" I didn't know i look like them.. I mean.. Not at all! .. Something must be wrong with the site i think ROFL.. since when i look like a japanese freak. I mean .. All the resemblance .. They are all japanese! LOL .. = ="

Hmm, it's tiring these few days because i stayed overnight at azure just to play games.. To improve the stupid fortress survival game that seemed almost impossible to complete.. with just two players.. Me and buei buei LOL ..

Gosh i need to replenish my sleep seriously .. Look a whole lot like panda nowadays.. x= Things are going .. very well for us.. And i'm happy .. and i pray that it will always stay like this.. till the day .. Aww.. I hate therapies.. TT .. But i guess.. it's time i should go. Been missing it for like 4 months. My doctor's gonna scold me upside down again Lol.. But you know what .. I don't care.. so long as he is with me , so long as we're happy together.. Everything is simply worth it.. (=

Loving you so much ,

hardly able to breathe..

Taking my every breath away ..
But its ok ..

For it's you that's giving me life..

Even if i couldn't breathe..

I'll still held on .. Never letting go .

Just One Word

2008-10-19T19:51:00.004+08:00

Too lazy to really relate what happened during the past few days ..Anyway, those stuffs ain't important afterall.. They were to me .. But not anymore.. Since it's fated to be like this.. Then let it be.. I have no more strength .. To climb .. No more will to fight anymore..

Just one single little sentence to really summarize how i feel. "Fuck it, It's Sux". I'm always being doubted. Forget it.. Sorry bloggie.. Every now and then , Strangers might happen to trespass this "sacred place" of mine where all my feelings hold. But soon, They won't cause we're moving! =D

That's it.. Nothing further..

Nante Koto Nan da! d:

Chotto Matte Kudasai~~~

Oh ya .. He brought me to Sakae Sushi and well we both had a lot of fun till like .. an hour ago ? But you know, if one doesn't believe in you, then why make yourself like a fool .. and begging .. and begging.. and BEGGING .. for him/her to believe in you? Hidoii Hito! You know i really don't understand this stupid chemistry between us.. and i have to say.. I can't really take it anymore.. Arghh! Never mind.. I'll speak again when we move.. I can't right now .. Sry bloggie

Hontou Ni Gomen Nasai ...

Oh wait wait! .. I really dunno but .. Why would i further harm my own fucking body when i'm already fucking coughing out blood!??? and why would i fucking lie.. ! oh .. Forget it .. Nvm .. I'm just fucking unlucky that's it.. Not complaining .. Because all of this .. are fate!

Snakes + Tiger = ? Wait long long.. Nothing will ever happen .. Thats what i read in those horoscope and zodiac rubbish books ^^.. But still i tried to believe .. and the more i believe .. the more.. I got disappointed .. really tired..

Because of you, I've learnt to fly

To set my mind and be free

Handing Everything to you,

A mere illusion .. That flying scene..

Because by the time i've realised,

I'm already being trapped

In this cold dark sphere...

Such Trickery, Such Tactics..

Cruel yet Alluring..

Almost there..

2008-10-16T00:43:00.003+08:00

Impossible.. I couldn't believe my eyes .. I knew i wasn't feeling well at all these few weeks, and i thought it's normal because i'm always like that. Getting feverish all of a sudden but after resting all will be fine again. But not this time..not today...

Was feeling rather drowsy when i woke up preparing to go for work today. Feeling damn feverish inside, i still forced myself to wake up and prepare for work. Went out of home and suddenly started coughing non stop. Feeling drowsy i decided to take a cab to work instead of walking to the station like i normally did.

Reached my workplace and did the usual cleaning ups and stuffs. Was in the room tidying up the place when the first wave of attack came. Suddenly felt drowsy and almost collapsed but i held onto the partition for support. "Wow.. It's been quite a while since i'm like this" i said to myself and picked myself up again & continued to tidy up the room. Because my throat really hurts i drank plenty of water hoping that it'll at least smoothen the burning sensation in my throat but alas it doesn't help one bit.. Boss asked me whether i'm fine or not and i told him a lie. I said i can manage and i'm fine. But i'm not fine at all. I can faint any moment but still i tolerated while cold sweat broke out from my fore head.

In the evenings, i was feeling really hungry but had no apetite and then he came online. I was wondering why was he still not online at this hour. It was almost 8pm then.. told him that he's friends were all around at Azure and of course told him that i missed him alot. I always do.. can't seem to shake him off my mind. He went offline for about 10 mins and came online again saying that he's angry about the stuffs i wrote on my blog yesterday. Of course i apologised cause i'm being really foolish to be mad about stuffs like games = =" .. and so he's not angry! =D

Continued to watch that drama "Hot Shot" coughing all the time but of course i DID cover my mouth while doing so = =" .. Untill suddenly i coughed so hard that my chest burns and i felt blood gushing up from my chest touches my throat and to my mouth. I didn't dare to uncover my mouth at all because there were customers that were leaving and wanted to pay. I waved to them to wait awhile with one hand and rushed to the toilet. Closed the door looked at the mirror and removed my hand. "Blood... wtf" were the words i whispered to myself. Indeed the palm of my hands were covered with little splurts of blood here and there. To ensure that it wasn't my imagination i spitted into the basin, true enough, blood clots can be seen. Because there were customers still waiting, i quickly washed my hands and mouth and went out to serve them. They saw me looking pale and they joked, "See ghost in toilet izzit?" I tried to laugh but sound rather funny "Haha ya lo .." I said and they went off.

And then he came. He bought duck rice for me! I loved the duck rice he bought for me.. I was super hungry, But i had no apetite.. I couldn't eat.. even drinking or swallowing my own saliva is enough pain for me.. My chest feels like a microwave oven itself.. But i don't feel like wasting the food he bought.. So i ate a little.. forced myself to finish up the meat and egg and throw away the rice. I'm sorry beibei.. I tried..

He brought he's helmet.. And i do want to stay over at Azure tonight..But i can't.. My body don't allow me.. I feel bad that i had to go home and rest instead of accompanying him. I want to be with him.. But i'm hurting so much that i can barely tolerate it anymore. So i told him that i will be going home tonight. Though he looked a little disappointed..But he knows that i'm not feeling well and suggested me to go home and rest too. Thanks and sorry beibei..

Was drinking water earlier on after i came out from the bathroom and i coughed while drinking. I tried to control but i still coughed. Put the cup down and coughed for a lil while more and was about to continue drinking when i noticed that small clots of blood can be seen floating on the surface of the water. Agitated i threw the cup across the floor and my granny woke up asking me whats wrong. I lied to her that i saw a cockroach flew past and then she laughed and went back to sleep. It's my favorite cup that broke.. but i didn't cry because of it. I cry because i don't know what the hell is wrong with me.. I cry because i'm afraid.. I cry because i don't want anything to happen to me.. Not right now.. Not when i've finally found the ray of light that i've been looking for ever since i was cast into the pits of hell.

I'm almost there.. Almost climbed out of the pit.. I don't wanna give up .. i don't wanna concede.. I've never been so afraid.. Never been so shaken.. It's 7 yrs from now isn't it.. He won't lie to me.. I won't believe it.. I won't face it.. I don't wanna admit it! I guess i gotta visit my doctor soon.. and what ever that lies ahead of me.. I'm brave enough to face it.. Not because i'm strong.. It's because if it's him that's standing next to me.. I can face anything.. Even death itself.. For he's my courage.. My everything .. and the main reason .. why my heart is beating.

I just wanna hide

Just wanna pretend

As long as your here

Anything is fine

Even if it means

I'm about to disappear...

Introduction To Chinese Horoscope :The Leonine Tiger

2008-10-14T19:45:00.006+08:00

Yes I'm Born in the Year of Tiger.. And im surprised to think that horoscopes are so true and accurate.. I've never believed in those .. really haha .. Heres what it says .. about Fire Tigers = Me ^^..

Brief Description: Tigers are strong but very emotional and sensitive. They can get stubborn over things that they believe to be right or true.

Positive Traits: lovable, alluring, warm-hearted, altruistic, honourable, hard-working, pleasant, independent, engaging, dynamic and idealist sweetie pies.

Negative Traits: rash, hot-headed, reckless, infatuated, quarrelsome, caustic, moody, predatory, rebellious, disobedient and irreverent rascals

General Description Of All Tigers: Tigers do not find worth in power or money. They will be completely honest about how they feel and expect the same of you. On the other hand, they seek approval from peers and family. Generally, because of their charming personalities Tigers are well liked. Often, failing at a given task or being unproductive in his personal or professional life can cause a Tiger to experience a depression. Criticism from loved ones can also generate this type of Tiger reaction. Still, like all felines, Tigers always land on their feet, ready for their next act in life, pursuing it with unyielding energy and hunting it infallibly.

Tigers are also incorrigibly competitive - they simply cannot pass up a challenge, especially when honor is at stake, or they are protecting those they love. Tigers are unpredictable and it would be unwise to underestimate their reactions. They may appear cool, but they have the Big Cat's instincts to pounce at a moment's warning. Natural leaders, they have a strong sense of their own dignity, and if they find themselves in the ranks, they can be stubborn and obstinate. In positions of power they can be difficult though stimulating bosses. Tigers are intelligent, alert, and farsighted. They have their fingers on the pulse. Good strategists and tacticians, they often have a hidden agenda. As long as they do not risk their luck too often, and keep their restless nature under control, their tactics usually pay off in life.

Detailed Description Of The Fire Tiger: Eccentric and dramatic, Fire Tigers are aglow with passion and verve. They are outgoing, expressive and look on the bright side of things. They have the Tiger's natural ability to lead others and are able to excite others simply with their own gift of enthusiasm. They can be funny and have great senses of humor. Tigers are powerful speakers and have the ability to command and persuade crowds through speech. Their own seemingly endless supply of energy can make them appear a bit dramatic, and it may make them more sensitive to cautious or down-to-earth approaches in others

So thats about it about The Leonine Tiger which means Leo [Horoscope] + Year Of Tiger [Zodiac].. There's actually such things! l0lss.. = =" i didnt know .. But anyway .. Its really accurate.. especially the part where it stated that Criticism from Loved Ones can cause a tiger to suffer depression.! really accurate! Ok.. Two posts for today .. Since when i did i become so hardworking i wonder? Hmm Bloggie? XD ..*Pats Bloggie*

Suffocating,

Unable to breathe..

But so what..

at least my heart still beats

for who ..

But you ...

Hatred

2008-10-14T19:10:00.011+08:00

ROAR!! OMGFFTARDGOONKNNNPCBGOSH!

$*()$%^(^*#$%^(#$%&^*($%^&*(!!!!

It seems that friends are priority to him .. Friends is what matters to him .. Of course.. The friend is one of he's very best and that person helped him in alot of stuffs when he's having difficulties. Well, If i'm him i would oso choose to stand on he's side. Like i said, its never good to find another part with an ego as big or even bigger than yours. You'll feel suffocated and of course arguements are inevitable. Well of course.. I don't know what came over me. Everything was well.. Till.. I guess i should really stop playing with him. It's definately pointless.. Or even i should not touch that particular game anymore.

Of course friends are important.. Lovers aint that important cause some friends are forever while alot of lovers only last for a short little while.

He bought me a pack of rice earlier on. But I'm haven't ate it ..and i'm thinking not to eat it anymore. He once told me that he fed McWings to rats cause he didn't want me to have them. Well, today later on i'm feeding it to the rats because i don't feel like having what he bought for me. I seemed to suffer from split personality .. I don't know .. But somehow .. I feel that there's definately something wrong inside of me.. Who am i anymore.. i dunno ... I actually feel like laughing when he scolded me earlier on in game.. Feel that it's amusing that he got angry .. lol.. What the fuck is happening to me.. Gosh ... Who am i indeed..

Who am i to judge..

When i'm no longer myself anymore..

It's burning deep inside of me..

About to be devoured

About to disappear

^_^

2008-10-13T14:48:00.009+08:00

Wow..How long has it been since i've last updated my blog? O= Ever since the last arguement with him i've never touched the blog like till now? O.o Haha.. Well, if you ask me, all was well again between me and him (= It's really hard to describe the relationship between him and me.I would have to say it's really complicated..This relationship. The fact that both of us actually have pretty big egos always cause us to get into unnecessary arguements..It's kinda stupid i know and i really hate it when we both argued. It's like an activated atomic bomb always goes "BOOM" unknowingly and both of us ended up getting hurt and thus needs time to recover and tidy up our own feelings. It's really scary always when he's mad and i always had to pluck up a hell lot of courage to talk to him and to ask him what was wrong. )= But when things are sweet, they went exceptionally sweet making me feel that everyday was Valentine's day! (= .. Hontou ni Shiawase Da =D [ Really happy]
Two days ago, i've had a sudden urge to eat Sushii so i kind of hinted him about it. XD i know i sound like a kid.. But humans do have NEEDS AND TEMPTATIONS at times.. L0lss.. i sound like a pervert = =" Anyway, to my amazement he actually said that he'll buy me some later cause he's hungry afterall. Well, i was surprised because it was actually ment to be a joke.. It's not that i don't really wanna eat them. I mean i WANT to eat them, but i know it's hard to get them around my working place so i never thought that he'll actually agree to buy some for me. And so he went and IT WAS AGES when he came back. I was already getting really worried for him cause it's like almost an hour since he left. Two japanese bentos, polar cakes and NutriTea laid infront of me. He seemed so tired that it hurts me.. Asked him what took him so long and he said he was trying to look for Sushii but found none. So he bought Japanese Bento instead. Oh beibei ): it's the thought that counts.. Baby if you return with a simple pack of chicken rice i would be glad all the same. I didn't tell him how i felt, but i'm really touched.. It's not like he has never bought any food for me before. Infact he did..Loads of times.. But..Just that day, i don't know what came over me.. But i was really touched.. (=
Played quite a number of matches [DotA] and well, lose a few and won a few. But like always, i couldn't control my temper really well during the gameplay and i feel really bad. But i've tried to control it! )= ... But it still goes "BOOM!" .. I know they did their best and i know that the opponents are really good. But it's just that i'm not statisfied with my own performance during the games. = =" I should be mad at myself instead of venting my anger at my own friends and himself... Hontou ni Gomen Nasai mina san... Guess i gotta learn to meditate soon.. to control my temper.. Lawl! )= .. Its like almost 3pm now and of course i'm at work..It's a monday and surprisingly there's quite a number of customers..I thought it was supposed to be a school day?= =" Looks like no DotA for me again during work today )=. I'm only scheduled to have my off days every thursday. d: And almost forgot! He promised to bring me to have Sakae Sushii during my next off day which will be three days from now! Can't wait d: Muahaha! Wee..It's been so long ever since i've ate them ): .. Miss him loads.. It's impossible to block him from my mind.. cause it's like he's already been crafted deep into my heart already. pfft scarred my heart! )= l0lss joking ^_^ Whether it's a blessing 0r a curse to have him, i really don't care anymore.. so long as he's happy and things stay the way it is..it really doesn't matter even if the world is going to end tomorrow ..

Again It Happened..

2008-10-06T02:00:00.003+08:00

I thought nothing was gonna happen between us again. Perhaps i was thinking too much and i held too high hopes for things to go smoothly between the two of us. But yet again, it happened. I don't really know what he's thinking. I stayed over night because of him again today and he went home took a bath and came back again too. All was smooth untill he said he wanna buy drink and because i just finished my food and was gonna throw the rubbish away. I offered to help him buy a drink and then he said it's okay he's gonna go toilet too. Because i'm worried and i don't want him to get thirsty, i demanded that i wanted to buy for him and then he's face changed because of this. I wonder what in the world did i do wrong? He left me at my working place alone again and went home. And i stayed overnight just to be with him. How great.. I really don't know what is he thinking.

Whatever... I just don't know what's right anymore. I'm so tired, and yet i stayed overnight just to be with him everyday after work. Though i'm hurting so much from the physical pain i'm suffering, but still i tolerated and spent the time with him. I wonder why is it so hard..

I can't be bothered to think anymore, can't bear to think what's gonna happen between us. I can only let nature takes it's own course. Yet again this seems to be my illusion, but what to expect. My life itself is a total disaster. Like i said i can't blame him or anyone if this goes wrong, cause i'm the one who gave ourselves a chance. I asked for it didn't i ? ..

Perhaps we're really not suitable for each other. Characteristics clashed.. Horoscope and Zodiac signs clashed too. I don't want to make the both of us suffer anymore. Without him was heartache and loneliness.. With him it was tolerance and discomfort.. If your me .. what will you choose? .. I myself wonder at times.. What the hell do i really want for myself.. Head hurts.. Hurts terribly ..

Signing off for now.. Going home.. Taking a cab.. I would have taken a train back home earlier on.. If it wasn't for him. But it's ok..I'm not complaining.. Cause since i asked for it, so i deserved it. (:

^o^

2008-10-03T14:49:00.002+08:00

Have someone other than your own parents cut your nails before? O: Not mine tho, but my granny did.. and yesterday, someone other than my granny did it for me and it touched me really deep inside. Nails are dirty, and he's a person who really dislike unhygenic stuffs. But to think he even cut my toe nails for me! Totally speechless, perhaps i'm being naive but just by this action of his alone i can confirm that there's a secure place for me in he's heart. A drop of tear slipped past my eye no matter how hard i've tried to control it. Even if i was to die or end of this world is gonna be the next day, it's all worth it. Never ever felt so loved before, Never ever felt so cherished before. I really thank The one above for giving me this priceless gift before i finally retire and go back to where i came from. (:

Yup! Yesterday's My offday x: Haha and i barely slept. I've tried to sleep, But i just can't ): Maybe it's the pricking pain but well, I managed to fall asleep after awhile. I don' t know why, but i'm just not used to sleeping at some other places other then my home alone. Was still not feeling really well after waking up but still we headed to Bugis for DotA! d: You can say i'm crazy, but i can tolerate almost every pain .. and any single thing thats stopping me from being together with him. Ate macdonalds and suffered terrible chest pain after eating that damn-ed icecream! D: Serves me right for acting tough and being too "Tan -Chi" .X: I loved ice cream, But i always had to try to stay away from it because it causes chest pain. I had to stay away from freezing stuffs and salty stuffs but i don't even care. Since it's my life and it's not gonna be long, I might as well do and enjoy all the stuffs that i loved. And weee~ DotA time! Hoho played a few games.. Won almost every match but the last one. But it was definately a learning experience for me. Improved abit on the Hero Lion and believe me.. it's IRITTATING! l0lss. x: I felt bad myself when i used it on others. I wouldn't want ppl to keep stunning me and sucking my mana dry ): I'll hate him! D: The worse thing is, After stunning and realised that it's got insufficient mana to ulti, sucked my mana and used MY MANA TO FINGER ME! That's like WTF isn't it? :D My standard compared to Shawn is equivalent to nothing. He's much stronger and the rate of he's farming.. Omg.. I dunno what to say! It's monsterlike = =" When will i improve and be able to do everything exactly like him. It already took 5 years and i'm still at this standard. I'm stupid = ="

Anyway he sent me home after the shop closed and he went off ahead to Azure again. I thought it's 24hrs seriously that bugis shop. x: hoho ^_^

One thing that's really bothering me. I feel really bad.. that i'm the main reason why he's always quarrelling with he's family. Though he doesn't speak a single word about it because he doesn't want me to feel upset and feel bad about it. But i know.. and i wished i could help. Sigh.. The physical pain i'm suffering now is nothing compared to what i'm feeling deep inside of me.. Obstacles preventing us from being together and the one big obstacle is no doubt he's parents. If he falls out with he's family because of me i'll definately HATE myself. I have to do something.. soon.. And it will either help .. Or it'll be the key to the end of my one and only world.

The Second & The Last..

2008-10-01T03:12:00.003+08:00

It's been the fourth day that we're back together again. Things went exceptionally well between the both of us. I've never ever felt like this really. Perhaps it's because of the stuffs that both of us went through that made us realise the importance of us being together. He's behaviour and attitude towards me totally changed. He's been extra careful with the words he used and being extra gentle towards me too. All of he's attention seemed to be fixed on me and i can almost feel that yes i'm the most important person in he's life. Perhaps it's all my illusion but i just can't be bothered. All the missing pieces of my shattered heart seemed to come back and piece themselves together in a slow yet steady pace.
Was playing DotA again this few days during working hours and i was amazed and disappointed with my performance. It seems that playing DotA for almost 5 yrs was simply for nothing. Instead of improving, I became much worse than usual. I've seen and learnt alot of tactics for these 5 years and yet i wasn't able to use or be of help to any of my team mates earlier on when playing with Shawn and a few of he's friends. Perhaps i'm tired and i can't concentrate, But still that's no excuse. The frown on Shawn's face made me upset and i felt really shameful cause i was nothing but a mere burden to them. He tried he's best to farm and yet we lost a couple of games. I understand how he felt because it's annoying when your trying your very best to farm and win the game and your team mates end up playing around, doing stupid stuffs and not being serious at all. I really need to brush up my skills again = =" .. Wonder what's wrong with me. Awareness used to be my main strong point in this game, but earlier on i was totally lost. Sigh.. He said that if he continued playing with us, he's standard will most probably drop like hell. It hurts but sadly, it's a fact. In this game, you'll only learn and improve if you face tough opponents because that's where you'll learn and improve yourself. Why am i blabbering so much about this = =" Beats me really..
It's almost 4am and raining now, but strangely i just can't seem to fall asleep. Perhaps it's the pain i'm having but it's not such a big deal as i'm used to it. Missed therapy appointments for 3 months already. I know i ought to go for it but then, i hate that place and i don't really think it's useful anyway. Since you can't cure it why bother spending that much money on it and suffering that much during that 3 hrs session. I don't know but it just don't seem right for me.
Time is catching up for me.. How much can one accomplish in 7 years i wonder. Targets and Goals in life, everyone has them. But not for me, cause i know i don't have that authority and i'm not allowed to have them. I don't even dare to think of what i wanna be and what i wanna do in my life. Since it's short, then i'll live the best out of my every day lifes. No regrets, No remorse.. That's all i'm asking for.
Well, i do have one wish.. to everyone who are close to me, to be happy, healthy and will always remember me. Night Bloggie <3

Confused & FInally...

2008-09-26T15:08:00.003+08:00

Weak Minded. That's what i would describe myself.. Maybe i'm just a person who is easily manipulated, i dunno. But all i know is, Though i said that i'll forget, i'll bury, but i can't really do it. He started talking to me and though i was still hurt about what had happened, i just can't seem to really ignore him at all. You can say i'm silly after what he had did but.. i just can't stop myself.

He told me various reasons as to why he acted like that in the past. Seriously, the reasons don't matter a single thing to me at all. What's important is the place i'm standing in he's heart. I seriously don't really blame him. I just couldn't understand why did our relationship got shaken because of stuffs like that. I held high hopes, I loved him so much that i can almost do everything for him as long as he's happy. I tried, But you know trying needs time too. Things can't change or won't happen in a blink of an eye.

Again we spoke on msn yesterday night. I spent the entire of my off day sleeping. Was too tired, really exhausted. Whether it's in the areas of mind or body, i totally just don't have any strength left to really move on. The way he spoke seems like he's really apologetic and most importantly, i can feel that he really do love me alot. It seems that he's going through tough times now. He said that he realized that those stuffs ain't important afterall and that it's me that he needs. You may say i'm foolish, i'm blind and silly. I tried not to think about it. Physically i can control myself not to reply he's messages. But deep inside of me i really want to know why and how he felt about it. Without realizing, end up talking back to him. I've already made my decision, and i don't care whether it's my illusion or not. I just wanna try again. And this time if the ending is still the same, He's not to be blame, For it's me that has given both of us a chance to amend things.

This time again, I'm trying my best to climb out of the dark pit trying to reach for that ray of light that once seems to be fading but now shining as brightly as before again. And this time round, i wish.. and i pray .. I'll finally be free.. spending the short duration of the rest of my life .. with that ray of dancing light. If things didn't turn out like how i expected and i fell, i'll acknowledge that i'm really meant to be alone .. and will thus never ever unlock the path to my heart and soul ever again..This i swear

Arghh !

2008-09-24T05:47:00.005+08:00

I think something's definately wrong with me. I just can't seem to fall asleep. I just don't know what the hell am i thinking. All these stuffs circulating themselves within my mind. Tried to fall asleep earlier on but guess what? I closed my eyes, tried to force myself to sleep but end up wide awake instead. Went down to the park to walk for abit hoping that i'll get tired so that i can fall asleep as soon as possible when i reach home. Took a bath using shower cream with lavender but you know what? I end up being so wide awake that i'm here now typing in this blog of mine when i was supposed to be sleeping like 2 hrs ago. No wonder i'm having those awful dark eye circles now. Arghh! ..
I used to think that nightmares only occur in dreams when one is sleeping. Haunts only occur in dreams scaring you and making you break out in cold sweat. But i happen to change my mind now. A living nightmare.. The haunting past. Well, i'm not complaining or what, because my life is already totally messed up. Already a living nightmare, already a total disaster. It's like i'm being thrown into the pits of hell ever since i was born. There were different colored rays of light shining from above. Whenever i tried to climb and was able to reach and grab hold of those lights, i just slipped and fell back into the darkness again. Numerous times i've tried, countless times i've told myself that it would be ok and that this time i'll get hold of it and will finally be free. But i just fell deeper instead. Hopes... I heard alot of stories, seen alot of movies but, it's not in my dictionary, unfortunately.
Let bygones be bygones. Easier said then done. Alot of stuffs are like that. We happen to say and think that it's gonna be that way. Things will go like how we want them to be. Well, i wouldn't say EVERYTHING but.. for me.. EVERYTHING IS WRONG. The things that i want don't come. But stuffs that i tried to avoid came instead. What exactly wrong with my fate i wonder. But, it's no use complaining. I've quite got used to it actually. So it's not really a big deal to me now that i'm this big already.
I used to hate my mom when i was little. Hating her for bringing me into this world, hating her to make me feel so unloved. I remember when i was young, whenever i have those parent meeting sessions in schools, my granny came instead of my dad who was obsessed with gambling even till now. Classmates always asked me why didn't your parents come. Ya right, bragging that your parents is here and i only have my grandmother. I admit i used to hate those people alot. I know it's wrong to hate them only because of that. But i was jealous and i envy them so much that i almost have the urge to strangle every single one of them = =" I know i sound like a freak but it's the truth. There were no P.E lessons for me at all when i was in school. I loved all those stuffs that they do during the lessons but i was left out every single time. Frail body .. what to do. Classmates always teased me that i'm weak and i can't do any sports. Friends often held badminton, swimming, Bastketball, netball outings and everytime i said i wanna join. They just replied "You come for what? You oso cannot play waste slot only."
It hurt alot at first. But gradually i got used to it and everything became numb. Huge gates starting to shield themselves around the place which holds my deepest thoughts. I have met a lot of friends throughout my whole life. But they're just like those water vapors. Evaporated so fast that i can't even remember their faces after awhile. That's one of the reasons that i didn't even bother to get a phone. I just don't have that many friends to contact. I'm better off alone but i admit at times, like recently i really a need a listening ear or i'll go berserk.
XiaoMing is always there to listen to me, he said "I might not know what your going through, I might not be able to feel because i'm not the one experiencing it. But i'm here to lend you a listening ear so that you won't bottle up all your feelings and end up exploding." I don't normally cry in front of people. But that few nights when i talked to him hoping that someone would at least listen to me, i cried like the world is going end. It ended for me when i thought i had finally felt the warmth from the ray of light that i had grabbed hold onto but realizing it was just another illusion afterall. Naive me. I'm really thankful that he listened to me if not i think i'll most probably still be a walking zombie right now. No doubt the best buddy that i've ever had. Infact, i would say, he's the only buddy i have.
Omfg, i'm still so wide awake after typing so much. Sucks indeed. = =" i barely slept like 5 hours everyday. This is so not going to work and i must stop it! Easier said then done. I know.. It's hard to amend something when ur so used to it. Time is soon running out. I know myself how much time i've left and I wonder.. How long .. will it last.. These sleepless nights of mine ...

Contented (:

2008-09-23T16:51:00.003+08:00

18th of September was JiaSheng's Birthday. Woke up late and took a cab to Bishan MRT station to meet up with him and we took the train to Somerset. Haha, planned to catch a movie "Wall-E" and it was definately the most interesting movie i had seen for this time of the year. Bought him a cheap but really nice handphone ornament with he's name on it. He looked so happy just like a little kid being offered candy. It was a happy day indeed.

Two days ago , i head to kpool because i wanna share my thoughts with my bestie XiaoMing. But alas, his girlfriend Rachael was there. She don't really like me that much. Actually, My presense over there disturbed her alot and i would say she really dislike me alot. Because why ? Because i'm XiaoMing's First Love and well, he was mine too. But one thing that she doesn't know and will never understand. Though we were once lovers, But there's one thing that's holding our hearts together. He was the person who truly really understands me and of course, i understand him alot too. I would say there will be no one else who would truly understand him better than i do. We're the best of friends. More then friends, But not lovers. A person like Rachael would never understand this special relationship of us. She would only misunderstand that there's something going on between xiaoming and me. She would only get jealous and started to create problems for him. Why can she not understand? Old lovers can still become friends.. And become the best of friends. I wanna talk to her so much about it. But i knew she would only get angry and we'll end up getting conflict. So i left the place after i talked to a few of my friends for abit.

I guess most of the girls do like to have many admirers. But for me, it's really bad. I mean, it's not that i'm weird or what. Or i suppose i am weird afterall. But having all these admirers.. It's hard for me. I want to be alone for now .. and i guess i won't be falling in love for quite a while. Jia Sheng is one of them, Bee Huat is another. I rejected them but they wouldn't give in. It's not that i'm attractive or what .. I'm actually worse then average. I wonder what qualities i have in me that attracted them into liking me. I can't be bothered with those answers at all. All i know is , I'm fine now .. Fine being alone.. And actually really happy to be alone.

Yesterday, XiaoWen came to look for me at the shop which i'm working at. Surprised me really. Been some time since i've met him. And we talked alot of stuffs on our way home. He told me a few of he's failed relationships and i of course tried to comfort him. But he doesn't really seemed to be unhappy. It's really nice to meet old friends once in awhile.

Right now, there's dozen of stuffs in my mind. I guess i need to relax myself during my next off day. I'm starting to recover.. starting to heal myself. Being alone isn't that bad afterall . Infact... It actually suits me more.. I'm starting to feel life isn't that bad afterall.

Fiancial Crisis!!

2008-09-17T20:19:00.002+08:00

I have never felt like this before. How will you feel if you have only 30bucks to last you till the end of the month. Sucks isn't it? =/ I didn't expect that this month's budget will be tighter than usual. Omg! 30 bucks to last me for two weeks. Can anyone teach me how to survive with like 1.5bucks per day ROFL.

Anyway, met jiasheng for lunch before i go to work yesterday. Met him at J8 and we end up eating Ajisen Ramen and i tell you it's bloody expensive = =". Two bowls of soaked noodles with soup and two drinks cost you like 30bucks! I mean thats like my whole pocket money for the rest of this month. I don't really believe that i'll be able to survive with that little money till end of this month. But if you never try you will never know.

After work went to Kpool as usual to hang out with my old buddies. Since i can't sleep even if i go home i might as well spend some time with my pals. Watch them play a few rounds of number ball. They're such pros at playing this game = =".

I noticed that XM my best buddy was acting all weird today. He didn't really speak to me and he seemed disturbed about something. I knew what happened instantly. It must be because of that girl Rachael. I knew then that he wanted me to leave that place earlier afraid that she might suddenly appear and saw me. I don't really understand what's the point of me leaving the place when i was just merely buddies with him. I mean what's there to be afraid of when our conscience is clear. It's not like we're hiding behind her back doing something despicable. But i respect him as my buddy and so i did what i was told. I left all of my friends at the coffee store and went to eat alone at a coffee store further down the road. The way my friends looked at me made me think that i'm being pitied and i really dislike that. I don't mind eating alone seriously but it's just that i dont understand why XM is so afraid of R when there's nothing between us. But meh, i just can't be bothered with that. Since he asked for it then i'll just go along with he's idea since it doesn't hurt one bit either x= .

I thought that i'll be going straight home sharing the cab with bee huat when he suddenly asked me whether i would like to go fish for prawn with the others. Fish for prawns! l0lss.. I was curious to how people fish for prawn and besides i was not really tired either. So the taxi U-Turned and we went the prawn farm? Is that what they called it? l0lss i have no idea.

Stayed there till like 5am and then shared the cab back with bee huat again.

Sigh. What should i do, Though i say i'll try .. but surviving with just 30dollars for the rest of the month seems almost impossible.. What should i do T-T..

Lonely No More

2008-09-13T16:16:00.002+08:00

Recently, I've been going back to the place where i used to hangout often during my childhood days. I thought i'll be a stranger to everyone there, But alas i was so wrong, a few of the people who knew me back then were still hanging around there and were all so friendly towards me still. I can't help but feel contented that at least there are people that still acknowledges me as their friend.

Two days ago, went to bugis alone to window shop, But ended up buying stuffs and spent almost two hundred bucks. Sigh.. L0l.. But the shirts and scarfs were so nice i just had to buy ! And then on my way back i bought donuts cause anyway i was going to Kpool to meet some friends there for kBox session. Bought 10 Donuts! ROFL.. and shared with the people hanging around at Kpool. "Nice Nice" were what they all said. Though they don't look decent, but at least they're not hypocrites at all. They acted according to how they think. They speak so directly that sometimes you might get hurt.. But its better then acting nice and stabbing you at the back. Super Low income left. Omg.. I have to think of a solution without having to loan money from others again.

So many other people dote on me.. and i felt really happy.. though i'm alone, but they're always there to cheer me up and saying that life itself isn't easy in the first place. This i know, But it's hard to accept even though i've went through so much during these two decades of living on this earth.

I'm really contented with my life now, though i'm single but at least.. I have friends who really care for me from the bottom of their hearts. Though life sucks , But i have to admit.. Friends are one of the things that kept you going in life just when you feel that your better off dead.

终于理解...

2008-09-03T15:37:00.002+08:00

Remembered when it first happened, I couldnt even sleep peacefully for the first few nights. Closing my eyes is not good at all because images of him kept appearing to me whenever i'm alone. Went for night walks alone in the dark and eerie park near my house hoping that i'll get tired and eventually fall asleep. But to no avail, I wasn't getting tired at all, Infact things felt even worse. Recalling all those memories that we once had, tears streamed down unknowingly. Trying hard not to think but yet i can't stop myself. How useless and silly can one be?

Till yesterday, I started to feel a little better. Reading my diary all over again from the day that i first knew him, I came to realise that i'm not that important to him anyway. A person who loves you doesn't insult you, doesn't force you to do stuffs that you don't wanna do and most importantly, a person that loves you WILL accept you for who you are. They won't make unreasonable demands asking you to do stuffs that your not even used to.

Since i finally understand what i'm worth to him, its no use broading it over and over again. It's time to let go. Memories will be buried deep inside a corner of my shatter-ed heart. No longer craving for love nemore, Cause when it comes, i'll most probably be blinded by it again.

现在想起来 ,我也真够愚蠢.明知道付出得越多, 自己就会陷得更深. 尽管如此, 我还是把我自己推入无底洞.. 真是自作自受.. 怪不了其他人, 因为我明知故犯..

好累..好累.. 做人为什么那么累啊.. 以后我不会再让任何一个人轻易得闯进我的圈圈里..

A Sudden Thought

2008-08-31T18:07:00.001+08:00

How long has it been since i've last written in this blog of mine. Ages i think. There's so much to relate into this already dead blog of mine. I'm gonna bring it back to life again starting from today.

How many goals have i accomplished in this life of mine. Sad to say, i've almost wasted my time in doing unnecessary stuffs during my teenage years and now, its too late to regret because i'm no longer a teenager. I no longer a young girl but a young woman.

Not long ago, i suffered another heartache yet again after that failed 2 years relationship with another guy that i thought that i'll be with forever. I'm so tired of falling in love all over again, and i thought that at last, this is gonna last. But, like always, it failed.

期望越高, 失望就越大..从现在起, 往后的事物就让它们顺其自然吧.

有所不为而后可以有所为..

今后,我不想再把我自己交给另外一个人了.

It's really enough for me. Trying hard not to think about it, Not to think about him. What have i done in my previous life to deserve such harsh treatments. A broken body, a Broken family, broken relationships, friendships..all these.. are they not enough to amend those mistakes that i've done in my previous life. Just what have i done. Am i really meant to be alone for the rest of my life. Perhaps i was really cursed..